Dear Johnny (Prequel to Dear Father)
by AutumnSkyy
Summary: He was innocent from every crime his father had committed. The only thing he had done to deserve such neglect was take that first breath. - After deciding to keep Bloody Face's son, Lana struggles to raise the boy and after time, begins to realize how much he actually means to her.
1. Mother To Be

Disclaimer: I do not own AHS.

A/N: Hey, everyone! So as promised, here is the first chapter to the prequel to Dear Father. I just liked working on the flashback scenes for Dear Father so much that I just decided to do a whole prequel dedicated to Lana raising Johnny, please enjoy!

**DEAR JOHNNY**

**CH 1-** Mother to be

**BOSTON 1965**

"I don't care." Her voice was strong with deep frustration, "I want that story. You promised me that story."

Luis Graham sighed. He sat at his desk, "Winters, please. Just have a seat." He eyed Lana wearily as if she would burst right before him.

"No, Lou. You promised me this story and then you give it to Copeland? Are you fucking with me?" She pressed.

Lou cleared his throat. "No. I am not. Listen Lana, I gave this story to Copeland because it is a fast paced story and let's face it." He paused and looked at her, "You have _other_ matters to attend to."

"But I brought you the Briarcliff story. You know everything I went through to get it." The words gritted through her teeth.

After all she had done, Lou had assigned her some boring desk job. That wasn't what Lana wanted. She wanted to continue her career. She wanted to make a name for herself.

Lou sighed. "Lana, what you need to do is go home, take a load off. Take care of your…condition…and once you're feeling better then I'll give you the position you deserve."

And with that, the conversation was over.

X

"Other matters to attend to." Lana muttered to herself as she stood outside of the building where she worked. With shaky hands she pulled out a cigarette from her purse and lit it. She inhaled the warm air and let it escape through her lips out in to the cold November air.

She closed her eyes, placing her hand upon her pregnant stomach. She was at her ninth month. Lana was uncomfortable and always agitated. The hormones were driving her insane. No wonder Lou couldn't stand her at the office anymore. She knew she was ready to pop any day now but she just couldn't stay away from work. She needed to occupy her time.

Now that Briarcliff was exposed, Lana had other matters to attend to but they had nothing to do with the being growing in her womb. Besides that, Lana hated being home. It wasn't even home. No, that new house was not home. Home had been with Wendy in their quaint little suburban house they had purchased together as "roommates".

Lana didn't even own the house she lived in. She had been renting a new place because returning to her old house was too unbearable. She just couldn't muster walking through that door with her pregnant belly. It felt like a betrayal to Wendy. However, she would rid of the problem soon enough. She only had a few more days to go.

She groaned at the instant kick to her spleen. He was kicking again. He was relentlessly kicking night and day. Especially at the sound of her voice.

The devil had told Lana she was having a boy and she kept that belief.

Lana sighed and tapped her cigarette.

X

It was past three in the morning and Lana lay wide-awake, starring off in to the darkness. Any day now. She was going to give birth any day now. Lana knew the day would come sooner or later. She couldn't lie that she felt the fear slowly brewing inside of her.

She slowly placed her hand on her swollen belly. This had become a habit. He was unusually still that night and hadn't moved since she left Lou's office in a huff. Lana looked down to her stomach and wondered if he was asleep. He was usually bouncing around her stomach at that time.

"You'll be gone soon." She said to him. "And soon it'll be just me…" she felt her eyes prickle with incoming tears.

Lana had to admit that she had grown so used to the little unwanted visitor growing with in her that ridding herself of him would be strange. She hadn't had a moment of peace to herself in so long but it had to be done.

Lana just couldn't do it. She couldn't raise Bloody Face's son.

She sat up and brought her feet over the bed, her hands at her side. It was hard to move and her entire body ached. Oliver Thredson had really done a number on her. She winced at the pain in her back and sat still for a moment, waiting.

He didn't move.

Lana frowned but ignored it. She didn't need back pain _and_ someone constantly jabbing at her spleen or her ribs. She stood and went to the kitchen to grab herself a cup of water. After, she returned to bed and lay there until she finally managed to fall asleep.

X

The following morning, Lana sat in the kitchen of her home, glancing down at her cup of coffee. He still hadn't moved. Not even when she got up to take a shower. Lana tried to ignore the worry creeping in the back of her mind but she ignored it, blocking it out with anything else.

She heard the ringing of the paper boy and stood to her feet with a soft groan. "Ugh." She placed her hand behind her back, barely able to stand straight. Lou was right; she was going to burst at any moment.

Lana made her way out on to the porch where she spotted the paper down by her feet. She closed her eyes trying to remain calm. Picking up the paper from the floor should have been such an easy task. She should have been able to bend over and pick it up but her swollen belly prohibited her from doing so. She felt ridiculous and disgusting.

Lana parted her legs slightly and tried to bend down but her fingers barely reached the paper. "You got to be fucking kidding me." She said under her breath as if it was something new. She stood back up straight and caught her breath.

She gave up and waddled back inside.

Lana returned to work later that day despite Lou's constant nags. All the women in the office were in a frenzy when Lana was around. They couldn't help themselves and would gather around Lana and feel her pregnant belly.

They oo'd and cooed and asked so many questions. They just couldn't help themselves and Lana's cold glares didn't discourage them from gathering around her. It was as if they seemed to forget how she got pregnant in the first place.

But it had been like that for months. Strangers who did not know her would come up to her, smiling and asking her how far along she was. Lana tried not to be rude since these people had no clue who she was and what she had gone through. So she would answer them. They'd ask if she had thought of a name and Lana would shake her head. A simple "No." was always the answer. And before they left they would smile at her and say, "I bet your husband must be really proud." And then they were gone, leaving Lana standing there with their well meant words hanging around her like some kind of joke. It was as if they were in on it, mocking her just like the cosmos.

The only woman who was respectful and empathetic was Bern, the receptionist. She was a kind, older woman who spoke to Lana and not to her over sized belly. Lou would grow agitated that none of the women were doing their work and instead were crowding around Lana. One woman went as far as to give Lana her old baby name book.

Lana was disgusted at the thought of even keeping Thredson's child but said nothing as the woman insisted. At the end of the day, she threw the book in her purse and went home. During the drive she couldn't help but to wonder why the baby hadn't moved. Even the women noticed when they placed their hands on Lana's belly and waited for movement. He was usually thrilled at the sound of various voices and moved erratically inside his mother.

Lana was in pain while her co-workers were in absolute pleasure. But that day he hadn't even moved an inch. Not even at the sound of her voice. Lana was worried but she didn't want to admit it to herself.

When she got home she dumped her purse on the table and dug for her cigarettes. She grabbed the baby name book and tossed it on the table carelessly. She found her cigarettes and lit one. It had been a long day.

Not able to stay on her feet for long, Lana sat down at the table. She tried to settle herself in to a state of calm. After a moment, her eyes slowly wandered to the baby book. That book was the first baby related thing that had made its way in to her home.

Lana wasn't going to keep the baby so there was no point in naming it. But what if she did? Lana looked back to the book. On impulse she opened it and slowly skimmed through it. She was having a boy, the devil told her, so Lana looked through the boy names. However, she caught herself and scoffed, throwing the book aside. She extinguished her cigarette and got ready for bed.

Lana lay in bed. Her entire body ached and she was exhausted beyond belief. The baby still hadn't moved. Lana worried, she couldn't help to. It wasn't like him to stay still for so long. Lana had heard of women who lost their babies towards the end of their pregnancy; the infants were stillborn. The thought crossed through Lana's mind. What if her child had died inside of her? Perhaps that's why he wasn't moving.

Lana's heart skipped a beat and her breathing quickened. Her hand slowly clutched the sheets. What if he was dead? Well, that solved her problem. No. Lana didn't want anymore death. She had told the woman that when she was about to abort him. If she wanted the baby dead then she would have let the woman continue.

It slowly dawned on Lana that there would no longer be anyone to talk to when she was alone, no one to wake her in the middle of the night and surely enough, no one to keep her company. Lana composed herself. She was being foolish but she couldn't help it. She hadn't had a very healthy pregnancy either.

She fought so hard not to but in the end she gave up and placed her hand on her stomach. "Everything is alright." She whispered softly.

It was four in the morning when Lana woke with a sharp pain that ripped through her body. She cried out and sat up almost instantly. There was a strange odor coming from her sheets and her feet were cold. Lana turned on the light and yanked her blanket off of her. Her nightgown, her legs and her sheets were drenched.

Lana gasped in shock.

Her water had broken.

"No, no, no." She said in denial as fear took over. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to meet Bloody Face's son.


	2. Unwanted Miracles

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Hey guys! I just wanted to give you all so many thanks for all of your reviews for the first chapter of Dear Johnny! I am extremely happy that it got so many positive reviews and that so many of you like it so far. So thank you all for that.

Also, I wanted to upload this chapter early because I'm going to be at an expo all weekend and wanted to make sure you guys got this chapter before I left. Also, I was kind of in a rush and didn't get a chance to edit through it so I apologize if there are any typos or misspelled words. Thanks again guys and enjoy!

**CH 2-** Unwanted Miracles

"Its dead, its dead." She repeated over and over. Hours of labor had worn her down completely.

"No, your baby's not dead." The doctor told her as a nurse tried to calm Lana down.

"He hasn't moved. You don't understand. He hasn't moved." She was frantic and couldn't make sense of things.

Lana was filled with an intense fear that was beginning to consume her. She wasn't ready to meet the child that had been growing inside of her for the past nine months. She just wasn't ready to see Oliver Thredson's face again. It was too soon. She thought she was ready but she was very wrong. What Lana didn't realize was that those months would go by so fast.

It was past eight p.m. and Lana was still struggling to push. She was afraid of so many things. She feared that she would see Oliver in the child; she feared that the child would be born dead and she feared what she would feel upon seeing him.

Finally, minutes past nine, she felt a ripping pain so severe she stepped out of her body. She leaned her head back, starring up at the white ceiling above her as there was a moment of silence. He was dead, she thought, he was really dead.

Shrills instantly covered the room, stunning Lana to disbelief. She returned back to her body and lifted her head to see. There he was, small, frail and covered in blood, as new as can be. The doctor held him in his hands.

The infant cried loudly, expanding his tiny lungs for the very first time. He was alive and definitely a boy. The devil had been right. Lana looked at him and couldn't believe he was the one who she had feared so terribly. He was so tiny and so innocent that it could have made any mother cry. Not Lana however. She was cold and she was indifferent to the child who cried for her warmth.

That boy was a sole reminder of everything Bloody Face had done to her. He was Bloody Face's son, not hers. She didn't want to be his mother, she couldn't.

A nurse took the boy and cleaned him up. She wrapped him in a blue blanket and took him to Lana. Lana instantly put her hand up to keep him at bay. "I said I didn't want to see him." She was out of breath but her words were strong.

The nurse looked down at the whining infant. "But he's your little boy. He needs you." There was a tone of sadness in her voice.

"He's not my son." Lana said coldly, "He'll have to learn to live without me."

Lana lay in her hospital bed, starring at the wall on her left. Her entire body was sore to the point where the simplest move caused her to ache.

That night Lana lay in her hospital bed wide-awake. The nurses had helped her shower and dress and despite having been in labor for over eight hours, she couldn't sleep. Social Services would pay her a visit in the morning so she could sign over her rights to the baby boy. Lana would finally rid herself of the cosmic joke.

But she couldn't keep her mind off of him. She wondered how he was doing on his own in the nursery. He must have been alone and scared. Lana hated that the thought of the boy being alone worried her. He wasn't her responsibility anymore.

Lana attempted to close her eyes but groaned in frustration and forced herself up to her feet. She used the wall as leverage as she made her way down various halls. She ignored the countless mothers holding their brand new miracles. However, they wanted theirs. Lana never wanted hers.

Lana soon arrived at the nursery. She walked to a glass window revealing rows upon rows of newborns. Lana's eyes scanned the rows until she stopped right in front of her, a second row from the window. There he lay in a wheeled crib that read BABY BOY WINTERS.

Lana stepped closer until she had a perfect view of him. He was wide awake and had kicked off his blue blanket. He wailed about angry and hungry. It was obvious he was uncomfortable and wanted to be held. Lana stood there watching him, not sure why she had even gone to see him. She said she didn't want to see him. The boy had to learn to live without her.

Lana placed her hand on the glass, looking down at the boy with no name who would grow up not knowing where he came from. She sighed softly. "So you're the one I was so terrified to meet?" She said as if he could hear her.

Lana looked at him from head to toe. He was small, smaller then all the other babies but the doctor said he was seven pounds. It was amazing to Lana that a tiny being only weighing seven pounds had ruled over her body for nine long months. He was fair skinned but he was still scrunchy from being born only hours ago. Soft incoming brown hair covered his head. He was such a precious baby but Lana didn't see that. She only saw the monster that fathered him.

"I said I didn't want to see you." She said, "I don't even know why I came…" She trailed off. She paused for a moment and looked at him. "It isn't your fault, is it?" She sighed, "I know its not but I just can't. I can't."

The infant stopped his cries and opened his eyes. He looked up at Lana and she looked back at him. "You have no father." She said in monotone, "And you have no mother either."

Lana let her hand fall from the glass and walked away not being able to look at her unwanted miracle any longer. The baby cried instantly as she walked away. Lana forced herself to feel nothing but inside she was breaking.

She returned back to her room where she lay on the hospital bed and held herself. She forced the tears back and instantly regretted visiting him. She shouldn't have done that.

X

Her son's piercing wails were the first thing Lana heard the following morning. A nurse had brought the infant in her arms as she desperately tried to calm him. She tried to reason with Lana to try and get her to feed the baby but Lana wouldn't budge. She didn't want anything to do with him. Apparently the boy was allergic to the formula and had thrown it up every time they attempted to feed him. Lana was his only source of nutrition.

The nurse sighed in defeat and was about to exit the room when Lana called her over. She demanded they hand over the infant and claimed that she would never do it again.

She nestled the boy against her chest and leaned back as he commenced to eat. Lana closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the pillow. Flashes of Oliver perched on top of her; invading her chest with his lips flooded her mind. She couldn't get the feeling of his tongue over her breast off of her, or the horrible sound of his voice when he called her "Mommy." She was utterly disgusted and her body shuddered at the memory of the night she was raped. And every single detail of those horrible events were brought back by the simple act of breast feeding her child. The world was continuing to be so cruel; the joke was never ending.

When Lana had enough, she unlatched the baby from her. He gave out a whine, angry that he had been taken away from her warmth. "Here." She said harshly as she deposited the boy in the nurses arms. "I won't be doing that again. Like I said, he has to learn to live without me…"

X

Lana spent a third day in the hospital. She was still recovering from delivering her son. Lana had bled too much during the birth and the doctors wanted to monitor her before they let her go home. Lana was growing tired and restless of being in the hospital; she hated hospitals.

Lana was informed that later in the evening a woman from child services would be arriving to take the boy off her hands. Lana hadn't seen him since she fed him. The doctors had managed to feed the boy the formula but he had trouble keeping it down and it would upset his stomach. They didn't know how much longer he would last in such conditions. Lana, however, didn't seem to care. She just wanted to return home.

When the woman from child services arrived, she introduced herself in a manner in which Lana did not like right away. She said her name was Ms. Nancy Anderson. She spoke of the baby as if he were but mere trash Lana would rid herself of soon. Lana glared at her words not liking the way she was referring to the child who lay soundly in his wheeled crib next to Lana's hospital bed. Lana hadn't even noticed when they brought him in.

She glanced at the boy and couldn't help to wonder what would become of him. Would he find a family? Would it take weeks or months or years for him to finally belong somewhere? Would he even be loved? So many questions and worries filled Lana. She didn't trust this Nancy Anderson or the system for she knew what the system had molded Oliver in to. She wasn't so sure if she wanted to choose the same future for her son. Of course, Lana said she didn't care where he ended up or what happened to him but she couldn't help but to think of the consequences her actions would have when he was a man. Would he end up like Oliver and steal the lives of countless women? The question terrified her.

"I need more time." She said abruptly and was even surprised herself.

Ms. Anderson looked at her as if she were crazy and tried to get Lana to reason but Lana did not budge. She needed more time to think.

The baby boy stayed in her room that night; he had cried himself to sleep. Lana didn't sleep a wink. She stayed up thinking. If she let that boy go in to the system there was a large possibility that he could follow in the footsteps of his father.

The boy stirred in his crib, catching Lana's attention. She lifted her head and glanced at the boy. She stood from the bed and went to him. He lay there wide awake staring up at his mother. He was so tiny and so helpless it almost broke Lana's heart. She almost couldn't believe that she had brought this little person to life. He had grown inside of her; unwanted but he came from her. However, he also came from Oliver.

The baby squirmed desperate to feel his mother's warmth. He needed her so much that it terrified Lana. It wasn't his fault, she knew that but she just couldn't raise Bloody Face's son. She couldn't live with that for the rest of her life. But she was only thinking of herself. Not the boy. What would he do without her? How would he grow up never knowing the woman whom brought him in to the world?

"No." Lana spoke. "No, I can't be your mother. I don't want to be."

The boy stirred more at the sound of her voice. "You're _his_ son. I can't love his son. I just can't."

The baby let out a shrilling cry. He was agitated and at his limit. In frustration, Lana picked him up in her hands and brought him forth.

"Don't you understand?" She cried, "I can't love you!"

The baby silenced himself as he felt her warmth and settled himself against her hands. He opened his eyes and looked at his mother. The rain began to hit against the windows slowly and then with a strong force.

Lana suddenly remembered Wendy. If she were there she would talk some sense in to her because Wendy would love the boy in a way Lana never could. Wendy was strong like that. She would make Lana see her mistakes and direct her in the right path. Lana needed her more then ever and she missed her terribly. Lana brought the baby to her chest, holding him against her. She then leaned back against the wall and slid down to the floor.

Wendy would make Lana see that the boy was not only Oliver's son but her son too. He was Lana's son. She had conceived and carried him for nine long and grueling months. She gave him life. Oliver was only partial to his existence. Without her, the boy could not survive.

Lana snuggled the baby close to her. "What am I going to do with you?" She asked softly.

She could feel his little body so warm against her skin. He was so soft and smelled so brand new. He was a beautiful baby boy and he was all hers. No one else's.

"He's beautiful." She heard her voice.

Lana slowly looked up to see her ghost standing in front of her. "W-Wendy?" She asked in a groggy voice. Lack of sleep and exhaustion was making Lana delusional. Wendy wasn't really there, Lana knew that but she didn't question her sanity at that moment.

"Wendy." Lana repeated as tears trickled down her face, "I don't know what to do- I, I'm so scared."

Wendy knelt down by her side. She looked down at the boy and smiled. "Care for him. Love him. That's what you should do, Lana. Be the mother that you are."

Lana looked from Wendy's ghost down to the baby cradled in her arms.

"He's your son." She said and when Lana looked up she was gone.

She let her glance fall down at the little cherubic face in her arms. "My son." She uttered.


	3. The First Day

**Disclaimer:** AHS does not belong to me.

**A/N:** Hello everyone, like always thank you all for the wonderful reviews! I enjoy reading all of your feedback. Enjoy the new chapter! :)

**CH 3**- The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

"I changed my mind." Lana told Nancy Anderson the following morning. She was confident and sure of herself, "I'm keeping him."

Lana had made the decision the night before when Wendy's ghost came to her. In a way, Wendy was right, the boy was her son too. Lana knew it was crazy to take advice from a hallucination but she knew it was the right thing to do. She had to keep the boy and be a mother to him or else he would end up like Oliver. Lana didn't want that, not for her son.

Lana also knew that if she gave the boy up Wendy would be disappointed. She didn't want to let her memory down. She wouldn't fail her again.

Ms. Anderson's jaw dropped. She was instantly confused and stuttered to form any words. "But Ms. Winters, I-"

"No buts." Lana cut her off, "After a long night of thinking I have decided to keep my-" She paused for a moment struggling to utter the word that followed, "…son."

The word son was still so foreign to her. It felt strange to say as if it would burn her tongue. Nevertheless, Lana had to get used to it.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes." Lana said firmly.

Ms. Anderson sighed heavily. She had no choice but to put the papers back in to her briefcase. "If that's what you want, Ms. Winters."

"It is." Lana said, however, she wasn't sure if she was trying to convince herself or Ms. Anderson. Whatever the case was, she had made her decision to keep her son and she wasn't going back on her decision.

"Alright then." Ms. Anderson faked a smile and shook Lana's hand, "Good luck, Ms. Winters and remember, if you change your mind you know where to find me."

Lana frowned. "Goodbye, Ms. Anderson."

Ms. Anderson exited the room. Lana was aghast at her insistence to rid herself of the boy. She should have been glad that another child wouldn't be going in to the hands of the system. Lana didn't trust her to begin with.

Lana sighed and sat down upon the bed. She knew Wendy would be proud that she was keeping her son because giving up would be so unlike Lana. Lana was tenacious and filled with pluck. It was probably what got her in trouble in the first place over at Briarcliff but she was ready to take motherhood head on. Besides, she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she let another Bloody Face loose in to the world. Lana wouldn't allow it.

"Ms. Winters?" There was a knock at the door.

"Come in." Lana answered.

A young nurse stepped inside with the baby boy in her arms. He was wrapped in a little blue blanket and all set to be handed over to Ms. Anderson. "He's all set to go." The nurse said with a tone of sadness in her voice. She looked around and didn't find the social worker, "Is Ms. Anderson gone?" she asked.

"Yes." Lana answered, she kept her eyes on the boy.

He squirmed slightly in the nurse's arms but remained in deep slumber.

The nurse was a bit concerned. "Will she be back?"

"No." Lana said, "She won't."

"What about-" The nurse looked down to her arms.

Lana sighed softly. "He's coming home with me."

The nurse instantly looked up at Lana and couldn't help to smile. "Really?"

"Really."

X

Lana held the baby boy in her arms. She was just about ready to leave the hospital. All she had to do was fill out a few forms containing her son's name and his hospital release papers.

Lana looked down at the sheet of paper. She had signed her name as the sole guardian of the boy. Lana had not planned on keeping him so she didn't even have a name for him.

The boy began to stir; he was growing hungry and Lana wanted to get home before he exploded in a hunger tantrum. She took the pen in her hand and without even thinking wrote the first name that came to mind.

"Johnny Winters." The nurse snapped Lana out of her trance. "It fits him." She smiled.

Lana looked down to the paper where she had written Johnny Winters. It was then that the realization hit her. Wendy had mentioned the name to her years prior. It was the day they had moved in together. They had spent the entire morning moving their belongings in to the house.

_Wendy was exhausted and sat down on the porch letting the cool breeze hit her skin. Lana poured themselves some drinks and sat at her side. Lana didn't remember how they got to the topic but they began to discuss a life if they hadn't come out. Wendy said she would of loved to have children if she had settled to marry a man. She loved kids, after all, she was a school teacher. _

"_Have kids of your own?" Lana asked amused._

"_Yes, I don't see why not." Wendy smiled._

"_Well you are good with the little brats."_

"_Lana!" _

_Lana laughed, "I'm sorry."_

_Wendy sighed, "I always wanted kids, maybe one or two."_

"_Is that so?"_

"_Its so."_

"_And what would you have named said kids?" Lana took a drink from her scotch. _

_Wendy shrugged, "I kind of like the name Anna for a girl, Johnny for a boy, oh, I don't know." She paused as she remembered something that had occurred in her classroom the other day and changed the subject. _

_Lana laughed at her antics and kissed her. As long as they had each other, that is all they needed._

Lana snapped herself out of the memory. She hadn't paid any attention to their conversation that day. It was one of many but it surprised Lana how the name stuck with her after so long. And she stared down at the paper, Wendy's unborn child's name written across in black ink. Lana couldn't help but to feel guilty but by then it was too late.

Her son had a name and that name was Johnny. Johnny Winters. Well, Lana thought, it was far better than Johnny Thredson.

X

Lana arrived home with the baby boy fast asleep in her arms. She hadn't bothered to look at him on the cab drive home. She kept reminding herself that it was for the best, that it was the right decision.

Lana stood on the doorstep of the house she now called home. She held the baby in her arms and hesitated before she stepped over the threshold. She took in a new breath and accepted her new life. She took a step forth, entering the house.

X

He had cried himself to sleep, the poor boy. He lay in a basket on top of the bed, neglected and alone. It was his fourth day on planet earth and it had already been a rough start. Lana was in the living room sitting on an old crummy couch she had purchased. Lana wanted nothing to do with the furniture she had shared with her former lover, Wendy Peyser.

Lana sat there with a lit cigarette between her long lean fingers. She brought the death stick to her lips and took a long drag. The smoke calmed her nerves. The boy had been crying for hours. Lana hated to hear him cry, not because his suffering hurt her but because the sound was driving her insane. It had been only a couple of hours since she brought him home from the hospital and she was already beginning to regret it.

He had cried for about two hours until he wore himself out and fell fast asleep. He was allergic to the formula and Lana was forced to breastfeed him. She hated it. However, Lana would sleep better at night knowing she didn't release another Bloody Face in to the world.

Still, she didn't even know if she was equipped to raise a child. She wasn't good at anything that had to do with the house. Her cooking was horrible and her cleaning was mediocre at best. She didn't have much practice with children either. She was the youngest in her family and neither of her friends had children. The only person she knew with a child was Kit Walker but she hadn't seen him since she left Briarcliff. Wendy was the one who was good with children. She loved kids.

She and Wendy had often spoken about having children. They knew that as a lesbian couple in their time, adopting would be quite difficult if not impossible. There were just no means of obtaining a child unless one of them slept with an actual man. Lana used to think of the male body and think nothing. She felt nothing. Now she was reminded of those horrible nights in Oliver's basement in where she was raped. She became ill and vomited at just the thought.

Nevertheless, she had no idea how she was going to continue. Lana knew she had a long night ahead of her. The boy was going to wake up and demand to be fed. He had been a very calm baby when he wasn't hungry and he only calmed down when he was in Lana's arms. Lana knew this and her stomach churned. A part of her wanted to live on in peace, to publish her book and make a well-known name for herself.

However, now that she was raising Bloody Face's son, she couldn't publish that book. She couldn't because it would be too much of a risk. She never wanted the boy to find out who his father was or how he was conceived. And in that moment, the post-partum depression was eating Lana alive. It destroyed her pluck and rendered her useless. All she could do was sit on the couch and stare at the wall. If for only a second she could forget.

That second was short lived when the baby began to cry. Lana ignored him for a few minutes or until she finished her cigarette. She dragged herself off the couch and in to the room. There inside his basket was little Johnny Winters: tiny, beautiful and brand new. He was wrapped in his blue hospital blanket.

Lana looked inside the basket at the crying boy. At four days old he looked much like all the other newborns but he was Lana's and Lana's only. Wendy made her see that Lana just had to fully accept it.

She stared at him for another moment until his coughs brought her back to reality. She plucked him out of the basket and cradled him in her arms. Almost immediately he stopped his crying. Lana stopped and looked down into his eyes. Johnny was starring back at her with watery eyes now coming to a calm. His breathing settled and he eased himself in to her arms.

"He has your eyes." Wendy's voice spoke. Lana looked up but no one was there.

Of course, Wendy would have found a way to love him. She would have seen the beauty in him no matter how ugly the circumstances were. She would have understood that his parent's sins were not his fault. He was innocent from every crime his father had committed. The only thing he had done to deserve such neglect was take that first breath.

Lana sat down on the bed as she kept her eyes on the boy. "You must be hungry. Aren't you?" She spoke to him.

Johnny almost instantly reacted to the sound of her voice. The poor boy was desperate for his mother's affection. He had been crying all morning and his diaper was soiled. Lana hadn't changed him since they left the hospital bright and early. The depression weighed her down and she simply had no interest in getting up.

Lana lay him down on the bed and finally changed his diaper. She was clumsy at it and not very good. Her hands were cold and Johnny cried at her icy touch. She put a clean onesie on him that the hospital had given her. Lana hadn't planned on keeping the child so she had not bothered to buy him anything. There were so many things she needed: diapers, wipes, baby powder, bottles, clothes, a crib, a stroller, a car seat, baby toys, and so much more she couldn't even begin to imagine.

So far she only had two onesies, a packet of diapers, the blue blanket, one small bottle and the basket she found. She had nowhere else to put him. She also had some of that formula the nurses had given her. However, Johnny still rejected it. He wanted his mother.

Lana hesitated at first but he hadn't stopped crying. The nurse had once again attempted to feed him the formula in the morning but he spit it back up and cried from his upset tummy. Lana tried again when they first got home but he wouldn't have it. So Lana took in a deep breath, unbuttoned her blouse and closed her eyes.


	4. Gifts from the Cosmos

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N**: Hey guys! Like always thank you so much for your reviews. A few of you mentioned bringing Rachel in to the story and don't worry, I'm way ahead of you on that one :) Also, thanks to iloveh2o for suggesting Johnny's first Christmas, I loved the idea. Hxlly and a few others suggested a few things as well and I will definitely fit them in somewhere. So if you guys have any suggestions or would like to see anything in particular in Dear Johnny let me know! I will definitely consider it.

**DEAR JOHNNY**

**CH 4**- Gifts from the Cosmos

**DECEMBER 1965**

Lana had struggled greatly for the first few weeks with Johnny at home. She had no idea how to care for a baby. It couldn't have been that bad but it proved to be very difficult; specially the first night home together.

After she fed him, he lay in his basket at night fast asleep. Lana watched him sleep with a pillow in her hand reminding herself that no baby should have to know its daddy is Bloody Face. The depression and the lack of sleep were getting to her and her grip on the pillow tightened. Luckily, Wendy's voice was there to bring Lana back to her senses.

Johnny cried various times through out the night. He was always hungry or needed a diaper change. Lana would prefer the diapers to the feedings but the little boy was such a glutton. He was always hungry. Needless to say, the feedings had become a little bit easier over time.

When Lana couldn't take it anymore during the first days, she contacted Barb and Lois. They were surprised to hear from her and a little hurt that she didn't inform them that she had gone in to labor. They were even more surprised to know that Lana had kept her child.

"You're insane!" Lois practically shouted when Lana presented the little baby in her arms.

"Oh, Lana." Barb almost wanted to cry at the look of defeat on Lana's face. They could see the cornered and desperate look in her eyes. Post-partum almost left her unrecognizable.

But Barb instantly took to the little boy, cradling him in her arms. Lana watched cautiously as Barb soothed his crying, "I grew up with little sisters." She admitted sheepishly.

Lois on the other hand had not warmed up so well to the idea of Lana keeping the son of a serial killer maniac who had raped her. Needless to say, Lana explained that it was what Wendy would have wanted. And when Lana looked at the infant in Barb's arms something within her told her she had done the right thing. Even if he drove her insane that little boy was a part of her.

Unlike Lois and Barb, Lou had not been surprised that Lana kept the baby. He only sighed and said, "I hope you know what you're doing, Winters." And then sent Lana home against her will claiming that a new mother should be with her child and not wasting time at work.

No matter how much Lana protested, Lou was firm. He would not have any new stories for her until she returned from maternity leave. Lana claimed she didn't need maternity leave that all she wanted was to return to work where she could distract herself. She was so close to getting her old position back and wanted nothing more then to return to the field. But now with Lou's orders, she wasn't sure how she would do it. It was going to be a very long maternity leave.

**CHRISTMAS EVE 1965**

Johnny was driving Lana insane that first Christmas Eve. Lana had barely slept and the depression didn't help either. It was one bad joke after the other. She couldn't believe that it had only been a little over month since she brought Johnny home. It had felt like an eternity.

Johnny fussed in her arms. She had just gotten done feeding him and wasn't sure why he was crying. It had started snowing out and Lana could hear the neighborhood children playing out in the street. Lana wasn't very much in the Christmas spirit; she hadn't even bothered with a tree or any Christmas decorations.

"Please stop crying." She said irritated as she rested him against her chest and patted his back. She couldn't believe how much a tiny person could cry. Johnny hiccupped and threw up all over Lana's shirt. Lana groaned and her shoulders rendered. "You got to be kidding me."

Lana went in to the kitchen and cleaned Johnny up. She laid him back in his basket on top of the kitchen table. Lana had managed to get a few more baby things but it wasn't enough. The diapers never lasted and she grew irritated with herself for not getting an extra pack every time.

The second joke of the day struck when Lana changed his diaper and Johnny decided it would be funny to pee all over his mother. "Oh, no!" Lana gasped as she backed away. Johnny let out an irritated whine she was sure was set on revenge.

"You're one evil little boy, you know that?" She said grabbing a towel.

Johnny gave her an angry grunt and Lana had no option but to finish changing him.

Finally, when she managed to put him to sleep in his basket, she plunked down on the couch and took a deep breath. "Oh, Wendy, I wish you were here…" She whispered.

She missed her lover terribly. The past weeks had been extremely hard on Lana; especially with the holidays. Lana had spent Thanksgiving alone at home with Johnny. She had ordered take out and barely even touched it. Lana didn't want to think about the holidays, she needed to escape for a while. She closed her eyes enjoying the piece of silence.

The phone rung off its hinges and on cue Johnny commenced to cry. Lana's eyes fluttered open and she sighed. She just couldn't catch a break. And to Lana's dismay, _his_ voice was there to haunt her too. Judging her for her mothering skills, always looming over her shoulder making crude comments about how their son deserved better.

Even in death, Oliver Thredson haunted her.

Lana pulled out a cigarette and lit it. She held it up to her lips and inhaled the warm smoke. She just wanted one moment of peace and tranquility until she had to tend to her crying infant.

"Lana, he's crying." Oliver's ghost spoke from behind her.

Lana ignored him and let the smoke sooth her.

"You're being a horrible mother." His words gritted against her ear.

"Okay, enough!" Lana snapped. She killed her cigarette in the ash tray and got up. She went to her room where Johnny lay in his basinet which Lois & Barb had gotten for him so he wouldn't sleep in that basket Lana had used for the first days of his life.

"Come on, you." She picked him up in her arms, "We're getting out of here for a little while."

X

Lana carried Johnny in a baby sling as she made her way through the streets of downtown Boston. The streets were covered in people doing last minute shopping. She held Johnny against her chest; she had wrapped him up nice and warm so he wouldn't be cold. He had his little face nestled against her chest watching as the world went by him. At a month and a half he seemed bigger to Lana in a way and he was more active and alert.

Lana stopped outside of a baby shop. She looked through the window at all the nice things and felt guilty for not getting Johnny anything- she hadn't even gotten him a crib. He had been sleeping in the basinet but somehow that didn't feel right. Lana watched as a woman with a baby a few months older then Johnny walked out of the store. The woman had multiple bags hanging from her stroller.

After a slight moment of hesitation Lana opened the door and walked in to the baby shop.

The warmth instantly hit her when she stepped inside. Johnny fussed a little and she rubbed his back. "We're just gonna look, ok? Won't be long." She said softly to him.

Lana hadn't gone willingly in to a baby shop, at least not one as nice as that one. She walked through the isles looking at all the things babies needed and still felt overwhelmed. She remembered the first time she went to the store to buy him a few necessities and had no idea where to even begin with. There were things she didn't even know babies needed.

However, she had never gone baby clothes shopping before. Johnny had outgrown his newborn onesies given to him at he hospital and the little bit of clothing he had Barb had given to Lana. They were hand me downs from her one year old nephew who had outgrown them. Lana had never bought Johnny any clothing and looking at all the cute little baby things made her feel guilty. Perhaps Oliver's ghost was right, maybe she was a bad mother.

Lana made her way in to the boy clothing section. The clothes were so tiny and there were so many adorable outfits. Lana stopped in front of a T stand where a pair of stripped white and green footy pajamas hung. The ankle and wrist cuffs were red and there was a little reindeer patch on the left side of the chest.

Lana ran her fingers along the fabric surprised at how soft and warm it was. She grabbed Johnny's size from the T stand and brought them in to her hands. They pajamas came with two other pairs, a white one and a red one. Lana took them and idly made her way to the cash register.

The cashier greeted her with a smile. "Hi, will this be all?"

Lana snapped out of her little trance. She stuttered for a moment, "Oh, yes." She pulled out her purse.

The cashier was a young woman. She smiled at Johnny who hung inside the sling against Lana's chest. "He is so cute. How old is he?"

"Oh," Lana said surprised that she had complimented her own child, "He's about six weeks now."

"He's beautiful." The cashier smiled and rung Lana up.

"Thank you." Lana said softly as she looked down at her son. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed. His brown eyes followed nothing in particular as he explored his surroundings. He truly was a beautiful baby.

Lana exited the store with her purchase and returned home.

That night Lana sat at her desk typing away at her typewriter. She could hear the Christmas Carolers outside singing joyous songs but she drowned them out with the clicking of her typewriter. She needed to distract herself from the fact that it was her first Christmas Eve without Wendy.

Johnny had woken from his nap and commenced to cry. Lana ignored his cries knowing perfectly well that they were cries for attention. She had come to know his different types of cries and was even amazed by the fact.

She tipped her cigarette over the ashtray ignoring memories that haunted her. She tried her hardest to concentrate but Johnny continued to cry for her.

Oliver's ghost appeared behind her, "You're not being a very good mother, Lana." His voice was condescending and it irritated her beyond belief.

Lana grew angry with herself knowing that it was all a figment of her imagination. "You're dead." She said smothering the cigarette in the ash tray. "_Dead_." The word gritted through her teeth, reminding herself that Oliver was rotting in the ground and his voice was just another cruel joke from the cosmos.

Oliver chuckled in response, "Please take care of our son."

"_Our_ son?" She asked out loud, "He is not _our_ son. He is _my_ son."

Oliver leaned in to her ear, "Then act like he is."

His voice sent chills down her spine and Lana spun around to see no one there. She was all alone. Lana sighed; she was going insane. Lana stood to her feet and tended to Johnny's cries. He lay in his basinet on top of Lana's bed. He wailed about in an angry little fit. Lana only looked down at him stumped for a moment.

"Pick him up, Lana." She heard Oliver's voice again.

Lana jumped at the voice and grabbed Johnny's pacifier, placing it in to his mouth. It didn't take long for him to spit it back out and continued to cry.

"I can't work like this, you know." She said to him. Johnny settled at the sound of her voice. He always did. Johnny didn't care for adult nonsense and fussed again. His needs came first and Lana needed to remember that.

Lana only sighed and swooped him up. He immediately stopped crying. Lana placed him upon the bed and changed him. She had gotten a hold of the diaper changes and made sure her hands were never too cold. Johnny looked at her with angry little eyes through the whole thing. She couldn't deny he had her eyes.

Now that he was six weeks old Lana held the hope that his tummy had grown strong enough for the formula. She always tried to switch him but always failed. She honestly didn't know why she still struggled to breast feed him. It had been six weeks since he was born, she should have been used to it by now. Of course, it had gotten just a little bit easier to do so but sometimes that night Oliver took her in to his mouth plagued her tormented thoughts but she fought so hard against it. Lana thought about Wendy instead and how proud she would be of her for giving her son the nutrition he needed. She would be proud. So Lana unbuttoned her shirt and brought Johnny closer.

The room fell silent during his feedings. Lana usually averted her eyes but that day she was feeling bold and looked down to the baby in her arms. Lana was instantly surprised to see him looking back at her. His little fist lay on her chest and his breathing settled to a calm as he ate.

_He's beautiful, _the thought crawled in to Lana's mind. She lifted her finger and traced it along Johnny's soft, plump cheek. His eyes followed hers with so much trust that Lana felt horrible for treating him so poorly. She couldn't explain what it was but she felt this strange feeling rising inside of her and she found that she didn't want to look away from him.

"Its not your fault, is it?" She asked in a soft whisper as to not startle him, "I'm sorry Johnny boy, Mommy-" She paused and collected herself, "_I-_ I forget sometimes."

**CHRISTMAS MORNING**

Lana plunked down on the couch with Johnny in arms. It had begun to snow again and he was dressed in the footsy pajamas Lana had purchased him the day before. She had to admit to herself that the pajamas were adorable. Johnny was adorable.

She lay against the comfy couch cushions. Johnny lay awake in her arms. He stared up at her with big brown eyes. Lana kept her eyes on the television screen. They were giving yet again another Christmas special. Johnny cooed and fussed in her arms, bringing Lana's attention to him.

"What is it?" She asked him.

Johnny made a little noise and stretched out his little body. He was getting impatient. Lana sighed and grabbed his pacifier placing it in his mouth.

"Here," She said, "I already fed you."

Johnny sucked on his pacifier as he watched Lana. Lana looked back at him. "What?" she asked if he could understand her. She sighed and looked back to the TV.

She felt completely numb and missed Wendy more then ever. They had never spent a Christmas alone since they met. She couldn't believe what her life had turned to. She didn't realize how much that story would cost her. But what Lana didn't realize was that even if it was her first Christmas without Wendy, it was her first Christmas with Johnny.

Lana felt the tears prickle her eyes. If only Wendy were with her things would be so much easier. Lana didn't want to cry anymore. She was sick and tired of crying but it seemed as if that's all she did.

Johnny kicked his legs and spit out his pacifier. Lana looked down at him and froze. He was smiling at her. His big brown eyes looked at her and his little lips were pulled in to a tiny impish smile. Lana was utterly and completely transfixed.

He cooed and continued to follow her eyes. She had never seen him smile before.

"Would you look at that, Lana?" Wendy appeared behind her, "He knows who his Mommy is."

Lana pressed her lips together and suppressed a cry. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at her little boy. How could something so beautiful be a monster? How could something so precious come from the man who stole her everything? She knew it wasn't his fault but she still saw Oliver in him.

Johnny moved about in her arms snapping her back to place. She grabbed his pacifier and placed it back in to his mouth.

She continued to look at him. "You can't live without me, can you?" She asked softly remembering her words at the hospital. Johnny was totally dependent on her; she knew that now.

Lana sighed and looked away, ignoring his glance but deep down it had warmed her. Someone needed her to survive and knowing that made her feel less alone in the world.

"Merry Christmas, Johnny boy." She snuggled him closer, keeping the both of them warm.


	5. The Long Run

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews as usual. Also, regarding the stuffed moose, yes it shall be making an appearance but not until a later chapter (: I shall also work on the suggestions you guys had such as their first Valentines and the search for the right daycare. Thanks for reading everyone!

**DEAR JOHNNY**

**CH 5**- The Long Run

**JANUARY 1966**

Lana returned to work the day after New Years. She had left Johnny in Barb's care for Barb was cut back to working part time and wanted to help since she had the time to do so. Lana was a bit hesitant to leave Johnny but was relieved to get out of the house for once. She had been cooped up for far too long with a fussy infant and bolted out the door before Johnny could start crying for her and Oliver's ghost could fill her with guilt of "abandoning" her young son.

Lana was more then surprised to arrive at work. Waiting in her cubicle was a crib filled with baby clothing and other baby supplies. Lana stop short just as she entered. Lou came up from behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder and said, "Welcome back Winters. Now get to work."

And with that he left. Lana turned around, the words caught in her mouth. All the ladies in the office watched her with smiles and then returned to work without a single word. Lana stepped in to her cubicle and grabbed the card sticking to the crib.

_Just to get you started,_

Signed, Lou and the staff. 

The women in the office had heard the news of Lana deciding to keep her son and pitched in to help her. It was Lou who had bought the crib and ordered Lana to stand down when she thanked them but denied to keep any of the stuff.

"Stop being modest, Winters." He said, "Now I hope your trunk is big enough to fit all that stuff."

Lana thanked them but all the baby things filling up her cubicle made things that much more real (as if a crying baby at home hadn't). Throughout the day many of the women hounded Lana with questions about her son.

"When was he born?"

"What's his name?"

"Do you have a photo of him?"

And Lana answered, "On the 16th of November."

"Johnny."

"Not with me no."

In fact the only photos Lana had of Johnny were the ones given to her at the hospital from the day after he was born. She had placed them in a little box and put them in the drawer of her nightstand. Lou came and shooed the women away from Lana. And as soon as she got a moment with him she demanded to be put back on the field.

"Ah shit, Winters. You just had a kid and you wanna get back on the field already? I should have given you another month of maternity leave to get you out of my hair."

"You're killing me here, Lou. I need this." She pressed as she leaned on to his desk. "You know I'm the best you've got."

He sighed. "I know. But I got nothing for you right now. Copeland is covering our latest story. Now, if you're interested you can write a column on being a new mother." He grinned, "How's that sound?"

"Fuck you." Lana glared at him as she pushed away from his desk not finding his sense of humor funny at all.

Lou's laugh boomed through his office. "Take it or leave it, Winters." He leaned back on his chair.

"This is torture, you know that?" She crossed her arms sending daggers through her chocolate brown eyes. If only looks could kill.

"You said you wanted to work, didn't you?"

"Yes. But on a good story, not some piece of shit column about dirty diapers and post-partum depression." She snapped back.

Lou looked at her for a moment. "You really hate motherhood, don't you?" there was a playful tone of amusement in his voice.

Lana grew rigid at his answer. She didn't hate motherhood she just wasn't good at it. Not counting the fact that her son was a product of rape and she had to live with the reminder every single day. She had escaped from home to forget and now Lou wanted to remind her in her only place of refuge.

"I don't hate it." She said unsure of her own words as she glanced away. "Its just something I didn't plan."

"Well," Lou said as he stood to his feet and ushered Lana out of his office, "It suites you. Now, I want that column by the end of the week."

He shut his door before Lana could protest leaving her standing there dumbfounded and furious.

Lana returned home with all the baby things her coworkers had given her. Lou's words lingered in her mind infuriating her only more. Motherhood didn't suite her, she thought. She wasn't good at it and it drove her insane.

She stopped by Barb and Louis' house to pick up Johnny. Barb admitted that he had been fussy all day but she thought it was because he missed Lana. Lana hesitated when she placed the baby back in to her arms. Johnny squirmed, kicked his legs and smiled up at Lana.

"Hello, little boy." She sighed trying to ignore the fact that he had a precious smile but it was Oliver's smile. Once she realized that she looked away, thanked Barb for her help and returned home.

On the drive Lana avoided going home. She was still angry about the column she had to write and having to return to the house with only Johnny and Oliver's ghost wasn't so appealing.

Absentmindedly, Lana drove down a familiar street she had driven down a few times when she was pregnant with Johnny. She lifted her eyes to see the old brownstone building. It was one of the orphanages where she had planned to hand Johnny over to once he was born. She had visited before when she was pregnant. Its system was messy and unreliable but it was far less worse than the orphanage in the outskirts of Boston called St. Ursula's.

Her eyes followed the building not having the courage to stop.

When Lana arrived home she placed Johnny in his bassinet and brought all the things inside placing them in the living room. Lana didn't bother to open any of the gifts or set the crib in the spare room. She plunked down on the sofa next to his bassinet and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it and placing it to her lips.

She took in the smoke, filling her lungs to burst and then blew it back out. Johnny cooed in his bassinet. Lana slowly looked to him. He kicked his legs and cooed, a smile at the brink of his lips. Lana kept her eyes on him as she inhaled another drag of smoke and blew it back out.

Johnny made a face and coughed. He made an angry little noise and squirmed about uncomfortable.

"It bothers you, doesn't it?" She asked him as if she would receive a response.

Johnny whined giving his mother the answer she was looking for.

"Thought so." She looked away, took a last drag from the cigarette and extinguished it inside the ashtray.

She got up and put on a Billie Holiday record on. The blues filled the house almost instantly putting Lana more at ease. She took the bassinet with Johnny inside to her room. She placed it upon her bed and got in the shower.

She stood there naked letting the hot water fall upon her, drenching every inch of her skin. She was exhausted and she hadn't even done much. Lana wasn't going to lie to herself, driving past the orphanage made her think of Ms. Anderson. If Lana changed her mind she knew where to find her.

Lana shook the thought out of her head and turned off the shower, the blues made its way in to the bathroom. Lana opened the drapes and glanced at her image in the mirror blurred by the steam of the hot water. Wendy used to write her little messages in the mirror while she showered. The thought that she would never find another "I love you" or "Be back soon." Written across the mirror broke Lana's heart. She stood there looking at the message-less mirror remembering.

_Wendy pressed Lana against the wall of the shower. The water fell upon them both. Wendy was desperate for her. Lana had been showering alone when Wendy came home late from grading papers at school._

"_God I just wanted to see you." She said hungrily as she continued to kiss Lana along her neck._

_Lana smiled amongst the utter euphoria. "And you knew perfectly well where to find me."_

_Wendy laughed against her lips. "I could never resist."_

_Lana kissed her as Wendy pulled away looking at her body. "What?" Lana asked feeling a bit flustered._

_Wendy smiled softly. "I just missed you today is all."_

Johnny's cries snapped Lana out of her memory and she exited the shower. He lay in his bassinet crying at the top of his lungs. Lana dried herself and dressed.

"What's the matter, little boy?" She asked as she gently scooped him out of his bassinet.

Johnny whined but calmed down a little. Lana checked his diaper. He was clean. She sighed and sat down, cradling him in her arms until he settled down.

In a strange way it felt odd being away from him. For the past two months Johnny had been her only company and much to her dismay, the only thing her world revolved around. He was the first person she saw when she woke up and the last one before she went to bed. Lana knew that would be her life as long as she kept Johnny by her side.

After she fed him she changed him in to his pajamas and placed him back in to his bassinet. Once he was fast asleep, she lingered in to the living room where she lit another cigarette and starred at all of the presents for Johnny given to her at work. It was still odd seeing all the baby things in her home.

"You're in it for the long run." She could hear Wendy speak softly in to her ear.

Lana closed her eyes and sighed. "I hope you're right."


	6. Just to Get You Started

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Hey guys! First of all I want to thank you all like always because you guys are amazing and seriously thank you for all the suggestions and the reviews. I will definitely see how I can fit them in to the story. If I don't do them right away then I'll fit them somewhere down the road.

**CH 6**- Just to Get You Started

**JANUARY 1966**

Lana carried a crying infant through out the house. Johnny had not stopped crying for hours and Lana had run out of means to comfort him. She had had a tough week returning back to work, juggling a two month old and a tedious article she dreaded writing.

How could she write an article about how wonderful motherhood was when her child would not stop crying and she had not slept a full eight hours in months? Come to think of it, Lana had not slept at all. She had gone from Barb's to drop off Johnny, then to work and then back to Barb's to pick up Johnny and then home. And when she reached home all her attention went to the baby and her work.

The little boy was a force to be reckoned with and ruled the house with a tiny iron fist. Everything Lana did revolved around his schedule and no matter how hard she fought against it, she ended up losing. No one told her raising a baby would be so difficult.

Lana always thought motherhood was a beautiful thing but on her side of the tracks it was painful and draining and not to mention depressing. Motherhood had her hunkered down to a life she did not want to live. Lou had stripped her from her important position out in the field and instead gave her silly little columns only bored housewives read. That was not what Lana wanted.

This was not the life Lana wanted.

Lana walked past the piles of presents given to her by her coworkers. It had been about a week and she had refused to open them. She hadn't even placed the crib away. Johnny had continued to sleep in his bassinet in Lana's room while Lana spent the entire night out in the living room smoking away and vigorously struggling with her assignment.

She placed a fussy Johnny in his bassinet and sat at her small desk in front of her typewriter. She had been at a writer's block for days and had no idea how to even begin. She felt like a high school student unsure on how to start a research paper. Especially when she knew she was going to fail.

Lana leaned back and crossed her arms angry with Lou for forcing her to write such a column. He was being cruel and inconsiderate. He knew how hard Lana struggled with that little boy and there he was mocking her pain. She couldn't believe the nerve of him.

Lana's eyes wandered away from the typewriter to all of the gifts on the living room floor. They all stacked on top of each other wrapped in fine wrapping paper of a variety of blue shades. Lana then looked to Johnny. He had calmed down only a little but continued wide-awake. Lana's curiosity grew as she stood from the chair and made her way to the stack of gifts. She plucked the note from the crib and reread it.

_Just to get you started._

Lana looked from the note to the presents. Johnny wailed bringing Lana's attention back to him. She ignored him for a moment until he let out another angry cry. This time she turned on her heel and hurried to tend to his cries. Like always, he calmed down once she carried him safe and sound in her arms.

She sat back at her desk where she stared at the blank paper and gave up.

…

"What do ya got for me, Winters?" Lou asked the day of her deadline when Lana strolled in to his office.

Lana dropped the column on his desk without so much as a second glance.

Lou took the column and scanned through it. "You're kidding, right?" His eyes shot up at her.

Lana crossed her arms casually. "Nope."

"Lana, this isn't a column on the beauties of motherhood. It's a step by step instruction on how to make macaroni and cheese." His tone was flat and free of any sarcasm.

Lana pressed her lips together and nodded casually. "That is exactly what it is it."

Lou placed the column back on the desk not taking his eyes off of Lana. "You're walkin' on mighty thin ice here, Winters."

Lana snorted. "You asked for a mediocre column and I gave you one."

Lou frowned. "These instructions aren't even correct!"

Lana sighed. "Lou, you know more than anyone how much I'm struggling right now. Can you just give me a break?"

Lou looked at Lana. She looked exhausted and completely drained of any life and energy. She definitely had the face of a new mother.

"Exactly." He said as he stood to his feet and walked over to her placing his hands upon her shoulders. "You're strugglin' right now, Lana. Ya have a new baby at home. Ya can't focus, not even on a simple little column. Now, if ya can't focus on this little story then ya can't focus out on the field. Ya see what I mean?"

Lana opened her mouth to speak but couldn't form words to contradict him because in a way he was right. Lou began to walk her out of his office.

"Now, go home, take care of that little bundle of joy and work on the story I asked for. And I'll tell ya what, I won't give ya a deadline for it but I won't put ya on the field until ya do it. Deal? Deal."

Lana stood outside of his office completely stunned, still not finding the right words or any at all for that matter.

"I know ya can do it!" Lou smiled and closed the door.

Lana stood there staring at his door. She frowned. "Motherfucker."

"I heard that!" Lou called through the door.

Lana sighed heavily and walked back to her cubicle, defeated by Lou's insane reason.

…

Once again Lana sat at her desk at home trying to figure out how to start the damn column. Lou hadn't given her a deadline but she was not allowed back on the field unless she wrote it and the sooner she got it over with, the better.

Johnny lay in his bassinet. He was calm and lay on his back, making little oohs and ahhs. At two months he was becoming more vocal. He was beginning to vocalize all sorts of sounds. He was also responding to sounds like the sound of Lana's voice and smiling more. He had even given Lana what sounded like a laugh when she changed his diaper. Not to mention that he was also becoming more alert with his surroundings.

Every little sound Johnny made distracted Lana from her work. She paused at his sounds and then continued. The paper remained blank. Next to the desk was a wastebasket filled with crumpled papers of failed attempts from the past days.

"I'm never going to get this." She leaned back on her chair feeling defeated. She didn't know why she felt so useless when it came to coming up with a story. She used to be so good at it.

Johnny gave out a tiny little noise catching Lana's attention. "What are you up to, little boy?" She asked accusingly as she peered in to his bassinet.

Johnny moved about responding to the sound of her voice. Lana turned to face him. She leaned in to the bassinet, bringing it closer. She watched as Johnny continued to study her face with his big brown eyes. Everyone told her that he had her eyes and Lana was definitely seeing the similarities despite the fact that she didn't want to. Johnny's eyes followed every movement before him.

"What are you looking at?" She raised a brow at him.

Johnny smiled instantly at Lana and gave out a little sound that registered as a laugh. He moved about again as his eyes remained on his mother, following her face.

Lana sighed. "I wish I knew what to write." She said as she reached in to the bassinet and cupped his little hand in hers, caressing him absentmindedly.

Johnny cooed excitedly, making little sounds with his mouth. Lana looked at his little hands, she studied his little fingers and his little fingernails and became completely amazed by the sheer tiny size and couldn't even begin to imagine how tiny his fingerprints were.

Lana sighed and looked away from Johnny and to her paper. She needed another break. She stood from her seat, Johnny's little hand slipped out of hers and she walked to the middle of the living room where the gifts remained. Barb had scolded her for not opening them, claiming that they were Johnny's and not hers to keep from him. Barb was right. Lana was denying her child of things he needed. Besides, she was running low on diapers and hoped there were some in the pile.

She walked back to the bassinet and plucked Johnny in to her arms. "How about we take a look?" She sat in front of the pile with her legs crossed, settling Johnny on her lap and chose a gift.

Johnny became overwhelmed when Lana made the first rip in to the gift-wrapping paper. He squirmed about making a thrilled sound. Lana was amused by this and continued to unwrap the gifts.

"You like the sound it makes, little boy?" She mused.

On behalf of the office, Johnny had received a variety of new clothing from onesies to little sweaters, pants and complete outfits. There were also pacifiers, bottles (which Lana wished she could put to good use), bibs, a diaper bag, baby toys, blankets, and a variety of baby things she could use like wipes and diapers. Lana was truly thankful for all the kindness her coworkers had shown her.

After she opened all the gifts she placed a now sleeping Johnny back in to his bassinet and commenced to put his things away. She placed the crib in the empty room along with the other gifts. She put all his new clothes away in the closet and before she knew it the spare room had become Johnny's room.

That night Lana laid Johnny to sleep in his crib in his own room for the very first time. He looked so small in the crib compared to how he looked in the bassinet. Lana returned to the living room where she commenced her work.

She typed a few words but nothing felt right. She couldn't find the right words to even begin to describe motherhood- words that weren't negative. Lana felt strange writing out a column to strangers and for strangers. Most of the women who would read her story were probably already mothers and the how to's of motherhood just didn't sit right with Lana. It was cliché and not to her liking. She also didn't want to write about how the rape forced pregnancy and motherhood upon her. That was too cruel for words.

Lana groaned in frustration as she pulled out the sheet of paper, crumbled it and threw it away in the wastebasket. "I can't do this. I need a break." She admitted to herself and grabbed her packet of smokes.

She sat out in the front porch and lit a cigarette, placing it in to her mouth. The smoke soothed her right away.

"New mothers shouldn't smoke, you know." Oliver's ghostly voice peered from her side.

Lana rolled her eyes and wondered when the hallucinations of that monster would stop. Perhaps he was her punishment for being a terrible person. But the thing was, Lana wasn't a terrible person. She was only human.

"Didn't stop smoking when I was pregnant, not going to stop now." She said with the cigarette between her lips and blew a puff of smoke in Oliver's direction.

"Is it really that difficult to write a few loving words towards your own son?" His voice mocked after a moment of silence.

Lana closed her eyes desperately trying to keep a hold on to her sanity. But was his ghost wrong? Had she found it difficult to express her feelings towards the boy? Lana didn't want to admit that she was growing used to him and the fact that he was sleeping in his own room left her feeling a bit lonely. But why was the article so hard for her?

"I care for him…" She found herself saying and she couldn't believe she was saying it to the one person she hated the most in the world- even if he was just a figment of her imagination. "I just don't know how to show it."

Lana took another drag from her cigarette finishing it off and smashing it with her shoe. She stood to her feet and retreated back inside without another word.

…

Sometime past midnight Johnny started to cry. Lana ignored him for about twenty minutes before she surrendered. Johnny lay in his crib shrilling at the top of his lungs. Lana plucked him from the crib and changed his diaper. He gave out little angry grunts at her cold touch and Lana apologized to him but felt rather silly about doing so. However, she spent so much time with him that she just needed to hear the sound of an adult's voice and her own was the only one available.

Lana took him out to the living room where she undid her blouse and began to feed him. Johnny latched instantly, desperate and hungry.

"Easy there." Lana said as she settled down on the couch and glanced out the window where she could see her neighbor's forgotten Christmas lights shinning brightly.

She then looked down at Johnny. "You're going to keep me up all night again, aren't you?" She traced her finger along his soft, plump cheek. Johnny's eyes followed hers for a moment until they slowly began to close.

When he was done and finally dozed off, Lana walked to his room to put him back in his crib knowing that he would wake up in another two hours and demand to be changed and fed again. She returned to her room without him feeling rather odd but ignored the lingering feeling and lay down for the first time in hours.

Lana rested her head back on her pillow and outstretched her hand to the empty space next to her. Lana still slept on one side of the bed as if Wendy still slept on the other. She knew it was foolish but old habits were hard to break and not even Johnny's bassinet was there to fill the void.


	7. Mommy's Little Boy

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Hey guys, so I finished this chapter sooner then I thought and decided to update a little early. So enjoy! Oh, and thanks again for the reviews! Hope everyone's enjoying the last weeks of their summer.

**DEAR JOHNNY**

**CH 7- **Mommy's Little Boy

**FEBRUARY 1966**

Music played from the radio in the kitchen. It had snowed the night before and Lana found herself in her bedroom. She was a little flustered and her hair was a mess. She stood at the foot of her bed kneeling over slightly as she looked through the small pile of baby clothes fresh of out the dryer. She frowned noticing that some of them had shrunken a little. Lana really wasn't good at household chores.

Johnny lay on the bed before her in only his diaper. He was about to be three months old on the 16th and Lana couldn't believe how fast he was growing. At three months he was already holding his head up and was beginning to roll over on his own. Barb had given Lana a parenting book that she had somehow managed to find time to read (well, there was plenty of time at work when Lou gave her a useless story to work on and she refused to waste her time on it.)

Lana had read that at three months her child was now able to recognize not only her face but her voice and her scent as well. This baffled Lana. She had never thought. Then again, a lot of things Johnny did surprised her and even awed her.

"Alright, let's see." She said as she picked out a clean onesie, a little sweater and a pair of tiny little sweats to put on him. She needed to go to the store and buy even more diapers and not to mention a few clothes to replace the ones she had shrunk in the wash.

Johnny squealed at the sound of her voice. He was all smiles and laughs that morning despite the fact that he had kept Lana up the entire night before crying up a storm.

"Settle down, you." She said to him almost absentmindedly as she put on his onesie.

Johnny squirmed and moved his hands about making things a little bit harder for Lana. She groaned. "Stop that." And managed to get his little arms through the sleeves. She used to be afraid to fight his tiny strength in fear that she would hurt him. It was weird how strong he was.

She buttoned up the onesie and noticed right away that it was just a little bit tight and she couldn't tell if it was because it shrunk or because he had grown. Lana couldn't deny that the latter made her a little sad.

She looked at her son's face with a light frown, "Will you stop growing?"

Johnny looked at her smiled and gave out a little laugh. She sighed and commenced to undress him. She was going to have to take him shopping. In just a month he was beginning to outgrow most of the clothing given to him by Lana's coworkers and the onesies from the hospital didn't even fit him anymore. Lana had folded those tiny onesies and safely placed them in her drawers along with her personal memento box where she kept photos and memories of Wendy.

Lana folded the small onesie and went to her drawer where she kept the rest of Johnny's new clothes. There were some she hadn't even put on him yet. She pulled out a navy blue onesie that read "Mommy's Little Boy" across the chest with the figure of a little tiger below it. Lana read the words over for a moment. She sighed and took the onesie with her and put it on Johnny.

"Mommy's little boy..." She said out loud.

Johnny looked at her with that tiny little impish smile of his. It was then Lana remembered Oliver and his words to her that night in his basement. Her stomach churned lightly and she pulled her head out of the memory. She then looked at her son and felt a tug on her heart. Sometimes it was just hard to look at him and not remember.

When Johnny was all bundled up, Lana placed him in the swing, strapped safely to her chest and was off. She put a little beanie on him as she exited the house.

…

Lana made her way through the store pushing a cart with Johnny strapped safely in his swing against her chest. He was wide-awake listening to all the sounds and occasionally looking at the people who passed by but he mostly leaned his cheek against Lana's chest and snuggled against her making little sounds here and there.

At first Lana hadn't noticed how busy the store was that day. She made her way through the baby isles picking out a large packet of diapers and placing it in to the cart. She then made her way to the second isle where the baby food and the formulas were. Lana stopped in front of the powdered formula and wondered if Johnny was healthy enough to handle it. She had been breast feeding still and hadn't tried to give him any more formula since the last time where he threw up and cried the entire night from belly cramps.

Lana left the powdered formula behind and made her way to the baby clothes section where she looked through the baby clothes. She grabbed a few new onesies in a variety of colors and placed them in the cart. She then walked over to a T stand and picked out a little outfit and pulled it off the stand showing it before her.

"How about this one?" She asked Johnny, "Do you like this one?"

Johnny cooed slightly.

Lana sighed. "You'll just outgrow it, won't you?"

Johnny gave out another delighted sound and Lana frowned. It was as if he knew and agreed with her. Lana shook her head and placed the outfit in the cart. She chose a variety of other little shirts and pants and headed out of the baby section.

She was walking down the isle when she noticed red heart decorations hanging above the isles towards the gift card isle. Lana looked ahead to notice a crowd of people gathered in front of an isle decorated white, pink and red. She frowned lightly and looked to the isle on her left where she could see shelves and shelves of red heart shaped chocolate boxes.

Above the shelves it read: _Happy Valentine's Day._

Lana's eyes narrowed. "Valentines?"

It then dawned on her. It was February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. Lana looked down to Johnny. He was beginning to doze off against her chest. She placed her hand on his back and patted it softly. "Let's go." She worded softly and headed for the cash registers.

That night Lana rocked Johnny to sleep in his room while the record played soft jazz through out the house. She slowly walked around the room, cradling the fussy baby in her arms. She should have been paying attention to him but couldn't get her mind off of Wendy. Tomorrow would be Valentine's. Her first actual Valentine's without the love of her life.

Lana and Wendy always made a big deal about Valentine's. Usually Lana wouldn't care for such a silly holiday but Wendy liked it and Lana wanted to please her in every single way. Besides, it wasn't every day they were able to show their love for each other. Lana stopped in the middle of the room and let her mind venture off…

_It had been a tough day out in the field. Lana pulled up to the drive way of her home with Wendy and slammed the car door shut. She had been assigned yet again another half assed assignment and was ready to yank her hair out. _

_Lana unlocked the front finding it odd that all the lights were off. Wendy was always home before her._

_Lana opened the door and stepped inside. She was instantly surprised to find candles lighting the living room. _

"_Wendy?" Lana called out half amused. "What the hell is all this?" She looked around the floor to find a trail of flower petals. Lana scoffed, "Holy shit, Wendy…" She followed the trail of flowers to their bedroom where she heard the songs of Billie Holiday and was instantly pulled inside. _

"_Hello, Ms. Winters." Came Wendy's voice as Lana stepped in to the room. _

_The room was decorated with candles and petals. Wendy sat naked on the bed with only a silk sheet to cover her naked body. She held a cigarette between her lean fingers._

_Lana looked at her and laughed lightly. "What is all of this?"_

_Wendy shrugged, "Its Valentine's Day, what else?"_

_Lana made her way to the bed and sat next to Wendy, facing her. She smiled coyly. "Is this all for me?"_

"_All yours." Wendy responded as Lana leaned in for a kiss. _

_Their soft lips crashed gently with one another and then gathered force as Lana scooted closer, pinning Wendy against the headboard. Finally when Lana pulled away she looked in to Wendy's eyes. _

"_I love you, did you know?" She asked in a soft husky voice almost out of breath from the taste of Wendy's lips._

_Wendy smirked, "I know."_

_Lana grinned and took the cigarette from Wendy and took a long drag from it. She then extinguished it in the ashtray sitting upon the nightstand and turned to Wendy again. _

_Lana placed her hand on Wendy's shoulder and let her fingers glide down her arm. "And to think I'd find you grading papers."_

_Wendy laughed. "Come here, you." She grabbed Lana's face and pulled her in to another kiss._

Lana snapped herself from the memory when the record playing in the living room began to skip. Johnny began to wail in Lana's arms as she hurried out of his room and fixed the record.

"Shh, don't cry now, little boy. No crying." She shushed him softly in means to calm him but Lana couldn't even calm the storm brewing with in her.

…

Lana spent the following day at work in a haze. She hid away in her cubicle from the hustle and bustle of the office. Women displayed their Valentine's gifts upon their desks. Cards, chocolate boxes, stuffed animals and vases of pretty flowers. Just the sight of red and pink made Lana want to curl up and vomit. She wasn't in the best mood and opted to be left alone. However, Bern stopped by and gave Lana a small box of chocolates. The gesture touched Lana's heart and she thanked Bern. She almost wanted to cry but forced herself not to in front of Bern.

Every single holiday without Wendy had been a tough one and now came another just as hard. She knew she shouldn't have let such a silly greeting card holiday get to her but it wasn't about the lack of gifts she received, it was about Wendy and how the reality of her death was hitting Lana stronger than ever before. Possibly even stronger than it was on Christmas.

When the clock struck 2, Lana grabbed her bags and headed out early. Instead of driving to Barb's to pick up Johnny, she went straight to the cemetery to visit Wendy's final resting place.

Lana made her way through the white, marvel stone isle and stopped right before her. Lana read the title on the plaque on Wendy's grave still not believing them.

_Wendy Elaine Peyser. 1934-1964. _

Lana took the dried up flowers hanging from the marvel stone and replaced them with a small bundle of roses she had bought on her way there. "Happy Valentines, Doll." She Lana said softly, her voice was close to breaking.

"I know how much you loved today. I still find it pointless but you know me…" She said sheepishly.

Lana felt the tears prickle her eyes and escape her as they rolled down her pale cheeks. She cursed Oliver Thredson for taking Wendy from her. Wendy who was all she had in the world. Who was all she ever wanted.

"I miss you so much. I guess I didn't realize it would be this hard." Lana let her eyes fall, "I wish you were here because I can't do this alone." Lana didn't know if she was referring to living without Wendy or raising her son on her own. She was still conflicted about the matter.

"But I swear I'm trying. Its just hard…" Lana looked at Wendy's name upon the plaque and felt her heart break all over again. "He's getting so big now." She said about Johnny, "I didn't realize how fast they grow. I mean, I can't believe its been three months…" She trailed off for a moment, "But I'm trying to do right by him, like you'd want. I really am."

Lana leaned closer to Wendy's grave wishing she could hear a response but there was nothing but the sound of her own suffering. "I just had to have that story…" Lana whispered as she placed her hand on the cold stone. "I'm sorry, Wendy. I'm so sorry…"

Lana placed a kiss on the stone with her hand and said her goodbyes. She gathered herself and walked down the isle of graves wishing she had the courage to stay longer.

…

That night Lana sat on the living room sofa with Johnny in his bassinet next to her. He was changed and fed and ready for bed but he remained wide-awake doing his own little baby thing but Lana paid no mind to him. She kept her eyes on the television screen. Romantic love movies had been playing all night on almost every channel. Lana didn't know why she tortured herself that way. The house was awfully quiet. Oliver's ghost had been silent that day and not even Wendy's ghost came to visit Lana and ease her pain.

On her lap, Lana held the small box of chocolates that Bern had given her. She ate one after the other covering her feelings with the rich taste of chocolate. It was almost comforting in a way. After, she took a drink from her wine glass and took a long drag from her cigarette. She blew out the smoke and scoffed at the ridiculous scene before her. Mocking the love story unwinding before her helped mend her broken heart but it wasn't enough.

When she finally grew sick and tired of the film, she turned the television off, extinguished her cigarette, picked up Johnny from his bassinet and took him to her room. Johnny sneezed at the smell of cigarettes but calmed down once Lana laid him down on his baby blanket on top of her bed. He lay on his back still wearing his onesie that read "Mommy's Little Boy" and his tiny little gray sweats.

Lana turned on the radio on her nightstand and lay in bed, curled up next to her baby boy. She laid her head on her arm and looked at Johnny. She took in a deep breath. She would have never imagined there would be a day in where Wendy would not be in her life but instead she would have a son.

Lana propped up on her elbow and glanced down at Johnny. "I miss her a lot, you know…" She said to him unsure of why. "She would have loved you."

Lana trailed her finger down Johnny's little arm and stopped it in the middle of his palm. Johnny stretched out his little fingers and closed them around Lana's finger, holding her in a tiny grasp. Lana froze instantly. She looked at her finger in Johnny's hand and felt something strong surge through her. She then felt the same tug in her heart. Johnny looked at her with trusting eyes and slowly began to doze off.

Lana sighed softly leaving her finger in his hand. "Goodnight, Johnny boy."


	8. Such Small Hands

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Hello everyone! Thanks so much for reading/reviewing. And if you have any more suggestions for what you'd like to see in future chapters, let me know! I'd be more than happy to fit 'em in.

**CH 8**- Such Small Hands

**MARCH 1966**

Another month had come and gone and Lana still struggled with her Motherhood article so she had been putting it off for some time. However, she had managed to wrap up a column about some useless gardening pointers that she really had no idea about. Lana felt like she was back peddling and she didn't like it at all.

Lana was buried in her cubicle busy with her work when her phone began to ring snapping out of her busy trance. "Lana Winters." She answered when she put the phone to her ear.

"_Lana?"_ It was Barb.

"Hey, Barb."

Barb sounded frantic and Lana instantly picked up on it.

"_Lana you have to come."_

"Barb, what's wrong? Is Johnny okay?" Lana felt her heart accelerate, as Johnny was the first thing to come to her mind.

"We're in the hospital. I'm so sorry, Lana, I don't know what's wrong with him. Please get here soon."

Lana's eyes widened and she felt her heart stop. She instantly dropped the phone and jumped out of her seat taking her keys and her purse with her.

"Winters! Where in the hell are you goin'?" Lou called as he stepped out of his office and saw Lana heading to the exit.

"Motherhood calls!" Lana called back and left without another word leaving Lou without a word.

Lana drove to the hospital in a frantic mess. She was panicking for the most part. Her little four-month-old baby was in the hospital and she had no idea why. Barb hadn't explained herself and Lana didn't give her the time to. All she could think about was getting to her son's side.

It didn't take Lana long to get to the hospital where she met up with Barb. She hurried to her.

"Where is he? Where's my son?" Lana demanded.

Barb was in tears and she looked completely terrified. She stuttered to form words. "I- I don't know. He was fine one moment and the next he was crying bloody murder. I don't know what happened. I-I-"

It was then the doctor stepped out in to the waiting room. "Ms. Winters?"

Lana turned at the sound of her name. "Yes, that's me."

"You're the mother of little Johnny Winters?"

"Yes." Lana said firmly, "What's wrong with my son?" The doctor could see the clear concern and fear in Lana's eyes.

"Is he okay?" Barb came up from behind Lana.

"Little Johnny will be just fine." The doctor reassured her. "Its just a case of the common cold."

"Oh!" Barb said a bit relieved placing her hand to her chest. She had been thinking something was seriously wrong with the baby. He was burning up when she picked him out of his bassinet.

Lana was still a bit confused and frantic as to what had happened. "A c-cold? Can I see him? You need to let me see him." Her voice was urgent and demanding.

The doctor nodded. "Right this way." He gestured Lana and Barb down the hall with his hand.

The doctor led Lana and Barb down a few hallways and into the infant infirmary where he stopped in front of a large glass window. Lana stopped at his side and peered inside. She gasped when she saw her little boy inside an incubator with wires attached to his little chest and his wrist. He was naked in only a diaper and was crying up a storm.

She looked to the doctor for an answer.

"The incubator is to keep him safe from any other germs or bacteria. Little Johnny is very delicate right now and with his immune system down he needs all the protection he can get." The doctor explained calmly. A little too calmly for Lana's taste.

Lana fought back the lump in her throat. Seeing Johnny like that broke her heart; she couldn't deny it. "Is he going to be ok? Please, he has to be okay."

The doctor nodded. "Like I said, he'll be fine. We're just taking some extra precautions. With the right care you'll be able to take your little boy home in no time."

"In no time?" Lana asked still trying to wrap her head around things.

"We'd like to keep him over night for observations. Just to be on the safe side."

Lana nodded accepting this. "Please, do anything you can to make my boy better."

"Very well." The doctor said, "Would you like to call your husband and let him know?"

Lana turned from the doctor to look at her sick little boy through the glass. "I don't have a husband." She said.

…

That night Lana stayed in the infirmary room watching as Johnny lay in his incubator. Lana wasn't allowed to hold him just yet and could only put her hand through a gloved hole in the incubator. She had her hand through the glove gently stroking Johnny's tummy, softly easing him to sleep.

"There, there, little boy. You're going to be just fine." She reassured him but couldn't help to feel powerless to help him. He looked so fragile lying there with tubes and wires connected to his tiny little body. She watched his tiny chest rise slowly with every breath aided by the tube taped to his cheek and inserted in to his nostril.

The doctors had run more tests and decided that Johnny was too weak to fight the cold on his own. He would have to stay in the incubator with oxygen until he got better. They said his little lungs weren't strong enough to battle on their own and the thought frightened Lana to no end. He had been perfectly fine when she dropped him off at Barb's that morning. Or at least he looked fine to her.

"You're going to get better. You'll see." She said to him feeling like it was her fault. They said his lungs were weak and Lana knew that was definitely her fault.

Johnny kept his eyes on his mother as they slowly started to close. He would doze off and then wake himself back up and whine uncomfortable with the wires and tubes.

…

On the second day Johnny had cried up a storm that had frustrated Lana to the point in where she had to step out of the room when the nurse would not let her tend to him properly.

Once Johnny saw his mother he cried for her to pick him up. The maternal extinct that Lana had no clue she had suddenly woke and fought with the doctors to let her ease his crying. Lana then remembered when Johnny was born and would not stop crying from the formula that upset his tummy. She had not cared about his cries then and told the nurse he was no longer her responsibility but now things were different. His constant wails drove her up the wall and she was desperate to ease his discomfort.

Johnny was angry and constantly pulled at the tube taped to his face where the oxygen flowed in to his nose. The doctor had to reapply it a few times. Lana had to stick her hand in the glove to keep him from tugging on it. And all she could do was comfort him through the glove. Johnny grew angry at this and wailed louder. Not to mention he was uncomfortable from the cold.

However, he had managed to wear himself out and was slowly dozing off. Lana whispered reassuring words to him. Her voice seemed to calm him down. It truly was strange how things had changed.

Lana sat on the chair resting at the side of his incubator. She kept her solemn brown eyes on his sleeping figure, listening to the steady beat of the heart monitor. Her eyes flicked to the black and green screen to the see the movement of her son's tiny heart. It seemed calmer when he was asleep but everything was fine. Lana was glad for that. She glanced back down on the boy feeling herself melt at the mere sight of him.

…

The following days were hard on Lana. She called off at work to be with Johnny at the hospital but felt useless to aid him. The nurses would escort Lana out of the room whenever they would change his diaper or take him out of the incubator. She wasn't allowed to hold him until he stabilized. When he cried she couldn't tend to him properly and had to stand behind the glass and watch as he cried at the nurse's cold touch.

Lana felt so useless. She could hear Oliver's harsh words reminding her of what a bad mother she was. She hadn't even been there when he got sick. Just the thought alone made Lana feel so inept.

On the fourth day, Lana was driving from home where she had picked up some clothes for Johnny to finally take him home. She was driving through the city where she absentmindedly ended up in a very familiar street.

St. Anne's Home for Children stood tall right before Lana's eyes and the thought ran through her mind. Was she ill equipped to raise her own son? No, that was ridiculous but the past days had been so difficult she was beginning to doubt her abilities. Lana shook the thought out of her mind and pushed the gas petal forward.

…

"Okay, here we go." Said the nurse as she opened the incubator and pulled Johnny out.

He was wide-awake and desperately moving about. His fever had gone down and his cough had subsided. The doctor declared him healthy enough to return home.

"Back to Mommy." The nurse said as she handed Johnny to Lana. Lana's heart jumped at the sound of her new name.

Lana cradled Johnny in her arms. "Hello, little boy." She said softly to him relieved to have him back safely in her arms and the thought alone surprised her.

Johnny giggled and cooed at her.

"Looks like he missed you." The nurse smiled, "Did you miss your Mommy?" She asked Johnny.

Johnny only smiled, his doe eyes gleaming. Lana looked down at her baby letting the nurse's words sink in.

Lana then commenced to dress him, checked him out and took him home. Lana was so exhausted that by the end of the day she lay in bed with Johnny at her side. She let him grab a hold of her finger with his little hand like he liked to do. It was the first time in days that she had been able to rest so comfortably. The chair in Johnny's hospital room was beginning to do a number on her back.

Lana's forehead rested against Johnny's little head. She could feel him move about but was too tired to see what he was up to. She inhaled in his sweet scent relieved to finally have him home.

"You missed him, didn't you?" Wendy's sweet voice came. She always came uncalled but always when Lana needed her.

Lana kept her eyes closed. "…Yes." She answered.

"You love him, don't you?"

Lana's eyes slowly fluttered open. She replayed Wendy's question in her mind until she had a definite answer. "Yes." The word was soft but ever so present and there was no taking it back.

She closed her eyes again and leaned her forehead against Johnny's head, feeling his little grasp tighten around her finger. "I really do…"

…

Lana woke a few hours later. She instantly sat up to find Johnny fast asleep at her side. She checked his temperature; he was perfectly fine. He moved a little but remained fast asleep.

Lana sat up from the bed and walked to the door. When she reached the threshold she stopped and looked back at Johnny. Reassured that he was just fine, Lana exited her room and made her way to the small desk where her typewriter sat patiently waiting for her.

Lana took a seat on the cushioned chair and pulled the typewriter closer. She placed a fresh sheet inside and reset the platen. She paused for a moment and looked to a portrait of Wendy she kept on her desk. She remembered Wendy's questions and the answers she had given her. Lana did not regret them but instead accepted them.

She took in a deep breath and commenced to type the beginning of her Motherhood column, beginning with the following words:

_Dear Johnny, _


	9. Dream, Dream, Dream

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Thank you all for the wonderful reviews. They mean so much. I had a lot of fun working on the previous chapter though it was a bit sad. Once again thanks for the recommendations and don't you worry ChaoticXmisfit, I envisioned that too! I'll be sure to get on it asap.

…

**DEAR JOHNNY**

**CH 9**- Dream, Dream, Dream.

…

**MAY 1966**

Johnny had not stopped crying for hours. Lana had fed and changed him but he would not stop; she couldn't figure out what he wanted. No, Lana knew what he wanted. He wanted her full-undivided attention. At six months, Johnny demanded every single minute Lana had in a day. He was even more demanding now that he was beginning to sit up on his own and had attempted to start crawling. Lana only wanted one moment to herself, at least to get her work done.

Lana sat at her desk staring at her typewriter. She still hadn't managed to finish her motherhood column but was well on her way. However, Lana found that her determination to move her career forward had faltered if only a little. Motherhood had stumped her plans and now she felt like she had stayed still. Not to mention the post partum depression had almost shattered her. She found no interest in anything. However, she was trying, little by little.

"Lana." Oliver's voice came crawling behind her, "Our son is crying."

Lana sighed heavily, leaning over her typewriter trying to hold on to her patience. Oliver's ghost was unbearable. He always showed himself when Lana felt at her weakest. The strongest craving for a cigarette hit Lana. She wanted nothing more than to step outside and take a long break from reality with nothing but a smoke between her fingers. She had told herself she was going to stop but quitting had been proving to be harder than she previously thought.

Johnny continued to cry from his playpen behind her. He had rolled on to his back and wailed. His cries shook the house. Johnny had grown much in the past six months. His hair had come in lush brown locks and his skin was fair, he had big shinning brown eyes, long lashes and a small button nose. He looked a lot like Oliver but he looked a lot like Lana too. He had her eyes after all.

"Can't you hear him?" Oliver asked.

"Lana." Came her voice. Wendy. "Please take care of your little boy."

Lana opened her eyes. She had been very cautious with her little boy since she brought him home from the hospital but there were moments in where she'd break down and only think of her comfort. Wendy's voice was always there to bring her back to her senses, however. Lana stood to her feet and went to Johnny's pen. She reached in to the crib and picked him up on her arms. "Alright, stop your crying." She settled him on her hip.

Johnny stopped his crying and whined, annoyed at his mother for not paying attention to him any sooner. He cuddled against Lana and gave out another whine. Lana looked at her little boy and sighed. It amazed her how that tiny boy ran her life. She was at him beck and call every hour of the day (or at least when she wasn't at work) and even then she couldn't concentrate with the thought of his well being on the back of her mind.

"Come on, you." She sighed and took her seat at her desk, sitting Johnny on her lap. The typewriter grabbed Johnny's attention almost instantly. He cooed and reached for it. Lana scooted closer so she could continue her work. Johnny brought his little hands down upon the keys, slapping them with an excited wail.

"No, no." Lana pulled him back, "That's mine." She reached for one of his baby toys sitting next to her typewriter and handed it to him. "Here, this is yours."

Johnny grasped the toy with a soft grip and put it to his mouth. Lana balance him on her lap and continued to type away at her work.

"Ooo!" Johnny dropped the toy to the floor and once again reached his chubby, dimpled hands to the typewriter patting the keys.

Lana sighed. "How am I supposed to get any work done, hmm?"

Johnny turned back to look at her and flashed her a smile. He cooed and turned his attention back to the typewriter. Lana bit back a smile. She was rather amused with his actions. He was a very curious little boy and everything was beginning to grab his attention. He squealed and kicked his chubby legs.

"Alright, alright. I have to get my work done or else we won't eat this week." Lana exaggerated and pulled him away from the typewriter once more."

Johnny giggled and jumped up and down in Lana's arms. He squealed and reached for the typewriter again.

"You're not going to let me work, are you?" Lana asked.

Johnny giggled again.

"I'll take that as a no." Lana sighed.

...

The following day was no different. Johnny was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Lana laid him down on a blanket on the carpet so she could finish working and he could let out all his wiggles. She hadn't been able to focus all morning. Johnny had rolled from his back on to his tummy and was attempting to sit up and start crawling. He was very active that day. He could sit up on his own now but was wobbly at times and would fall over. This time he was attempting to crawl. He would support himself on his little arms and attempt to lunge forward.

Johnny cried out for Lana. He whined and tried to push himself forward but he was too nervous to begin crawling. Lana was focused but couldn't find any of the right words. She had set her motherhood column aside and was working on a new peace about women in the work place. Johnny cried for Lana again. Lana sighed and pushed her typewriter aside. She turned around on her chair and set her full attention on Johnny.

"What are you doing over there?" She asked him, however, her tone was no longer annoyed or demanding. It was laced with curiosity and a soft awe.

Johnny let out a joyful cry and he attempted to lunge forward but hesitated again. Lana stood off the chair and sat a few feet across from him. Now that Johnny was becoming a bit more mobile, Lana had a bit more of a struggle on her hands.

"Are you trying to crawl?" She asked him.

Johnny cooed in response. He looked down at his hands in pure concentration and tried to move forward to get to his mother. Lana watched him carefully. She had been a bit cautious with him since they arrived home from the hospital but Johnny hadn't had any complications since then. If anything he was more active.

Johnny pushed himself up on his knees and reached for Lana giving out a little whine. Lana sighed, "Oh, little boy, little boy." She got up to her feet and hauled him up in to her arms. Johnny jumped up and down excited. Lana settled him on her hip and looked around the house. It was an utter mess. She sighed. Housekeeping wasn't her strong suit.

Lana placed Johnny in his playpen and put the radio on. The Wanderer by Dion and the Belmonts instantly came on. Lana grabbed the duster and began to clean, picking up dropped toys as she went around the living room. Johnny cried in his playpen, lifting his arms up for Lana to pick him up. Lana sighed and plucked the boy from his pen, settled him on her hip and continued to clean. She hadn't realized how messy the house had gotten with all of Johnny's things. There were pacifiers on the coffee table and between couch cushions. His little baby toys were sprawled on the ground and hanging from doorknobs.

Lana grabbed a pile of freshly clean onesies and baby towels and dropped them on the couch and commenced to fold them the best she could with one free hand and a baby on her hip. Whenever she attempted to put Johnny down he would whine and clutch on to her. He baby babbled in her ear as she did her cleaning. Lana had no idea what he was vocalizing but it was quite amusing.

By the time Lana was done cleaning she was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to take a long bubble bath. She plunked down on the couch and listened as Be My Baby by The Ronettes played next on the radio. Johnny climbed on to his little feet, supporting himself against Lana. He cooed and reached his tiny little hand to grab her nose. Lana closed her eyes and sighed. She was too tired to fight him. She pulled him away and sat him down on her lap. He looked up at her with big doe eyes and giggled.

A soft smile crossed her lips. Looking at Johnny never defeated in reminding her of Oliver but there was an innocence in Johnny's eyes that she couldn't ignore. She knew she already loved the little boy despite the pain and memories he often caused her. She still hadn't managed to utter the words even though they were so simple and she knew they were nothing but the truth. Perhaps one day she would.

…

Later that night, Johnny fell fast asleep in Lana's arms as she tried to finish her women in the workplace article. She had been falling behind on her writing and didn't want to miss another deadline. She had thought about turning in the motherhood article but it felt unfinished to her. It still didn't feel right and Lana knew she wanted it to be just right. After all, Johnny would read it one day.

When she finally finished her half-assed article, Lana got up and took Johnny to her room. She had been having some trouble bringing herself to leave him to sleep in his room alone. That or it had just become habit. Lana changed him in to his little footie pajamas; Johnny woke up and commenced to whine and cry. Lana cradled him against her chest, rubbing his back as she walked around the room. The radio in the living room was still on. All I Have to do is Dream by the Everly Brothers was playing softly through the house.

"Settle down now, little boy." Lana hushed him softly.

Johnny buried his face in the crook of Lana's neck and gave out another whine. Lana continued to rub his back as she slowly paced around the room, letting the music calm him.

"_When I want you in my arms, when I want you and all your charms, whenever I want you all I have to do is dream. Dream, dream, dream."_

Lana listened to the lyrics carefully and rested her head against Johnny's. Her hold on him tightened if only just a little. She walked past a portrait of Wendy on her dresses but didn't bother to glance down at it.

Lana stopped at the side of the bed. She laid Johnny back down in her arms. His little eyes were closed and his long lashes caressed the top of his cheeks as he slept. He looked so peaceful.

"_I need you so, that I could die. I love you so and that is why. Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream. Dream, dream, dream, dream."_

Lana's eyes traveled along his sweet face for a moment. She leaned down and softly planted a kiss upon his forehead. She then laid him carefully upon the bed, safely secured between two pillows and walked to the door, taking one last look at him before she turned to light off and exited the room.

…

The next day Lana rushed to gather all her things to head to work. Johnny had refused to start eating his solid foods. She had read in the baby books that Barb gave her that he was old enough to start eating solids but Johnny would not have it. He wanted to nurse and would not accept anything else.

"Oh, come on now," Lana said with a frown. She held a spoon filled with mushed baby food in a spoon before Johnny. Johnny sat in his high chair. His little face was dirty with the goop Lana had tried to feed him but had not managed to get in to his mouth.

Johnny whined and with his little hand swatted away the spoon. "Its good. See?" Lana placed the spoon with the baby food in her mouth and instantly regretted. She scrunched her face and forced herself to swallow. She cleared her throat. "Good." She lied hating herself just a little.

Johnny whined and looked away not believing it at all. Lana looked at the clock on the kitchen wall and sighed. She was going to be late. "Fine." She said and plucked him from his high chair and took him to her room where she undid her shirt and fed him. Johnny didn't hesitate and went right ahead. Lana looked at him as he did so. She had a feeling that weaning him would be a bit difficult.

…

It was past 10 a.m. when Lana arrived at Barb's house. She knocked on the door and as soon as Barb answered, she deposited the baby in her arms along with his diaper bags and anything else he would need for the day. Barb was more than happy to see Johnny and welcomed the little boy in to her arms.

"Late again?" She asked Lana.

Lana sighed, "Yes." She answered almost of breath.

Johnny babbled something as he reached his little arms for Lana to take him.

"Say bye to Mommy, Johnny." Barb grinned. "Say bye Mommy."

"Barb." Lana said a bit sadly.

Barb frowned, "Oh come on, he's going to start talking soon. He has to know what to call you."

Lana took a deep breath in and let it out. Barb was right. "Alright." She collected herself and grabbed Johnny's hand, caressing it, "I'm off." She gave his little hand a tiny squeeze and smiled softly at him.

Johnny babbled worriedly when Lana let go of his hand and hurried down the walkway to her car parked on the driveway. Barb grabbed his little hand and waved it at Lana. Lana looked at her son one more time before she pulled the car out of the driveway and drove off before she was even more late.

"Ah!" Johnny baby babbled as he watched the car drive down the street. His brown eyes followed after it.

"There goes Mommy." Barb said, "Come on." And went inside with Johnny in tow.

…

Lou was less than happy to see Lana come in late for what must have been the fourth time that week. She said nothing to Lou and buried herself in her cubicle. She plunked down on her desk and buried her face in her hands. All she wanted to do was catch a break.

Barb's words lingered in Lana's mind for the remainder of the day. She had a point. Johnny was beginning to talk more and more and soon he would form words. He was going to call her by her new name sooner or later. But it would be an adjustment Lana had to get used to.

…

Lou had given Lana yet again another useless article. However, that afternoon she left her work abandoned on the table and sat on the living room floor a few feet across from Johnny. Johnny sat on his blanket. He had a pacifier in his mouth and was grasping a round squishy toy that helped him with his teething.

Lana watched him carefully. She wondered how fast time had passed that he was finally able to sit up on his own. Johnny turned to land his eyes upon her and smiled behind his pacifier. He dropped the toy from his hand and placed both hands on the blanket. He lunged himself forward. Lana froze at this not sure how to react. Johnny placed one hand before the other and then stumbled forward landing on his belly. He looked up at Lana with big brown confused eyes not sure how he had lost his balance.

Lana smiled sheepishly. "Come here, you." She picked him up and settled him on her lap. She held him close to her and kissed the top of his head. "You don't need to grow up so fast…"


	10. Little Boy of Mine

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Thanks for reading and reviewing guys! Last chapter was more laid back and more cheerful than the previous one but glad you guys enjoyed it!

…

**CH 9-** Little Boy of Mine

…

**JUNE 1967**

That June morning Lana was awakened by the baby babbles of her little boy. She stretched her still worn body and sat up, rubbing her eye with a closed fist. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were still glued together. She forced them open and looked to the clock on her nightstand: 6:15 a.m. Lana sighed and got out of bed.

She followed the sounds of Johnny's little babbles across the hall and in to his room. She had managed to get him to sleep in his crib. The first few nights without him were a bit strange but she had managed and fought the urge to bring him back to bed with her.

Johnny lay in his crib on his back; his little legs were kicked upward as he held his pacifier in his chubby, dimpled hands. He was staring at his pacifier as he babbled to it. His little brows pulled together in concentration as he talked to the pacifier. Lana peered in to the crib; curiosity and amusement instantly covered her face. She put her fist to her mouth and bit her bottom lip. Johnny never ceased to amaze her. He continued to babble on as if telling the pacifier his thoughts or dreams of the night before.

"What are you babbling on about there?" Lana asked softly and a little bit sweetly.

Johnny looked up at Lana and smiled brightly exposing his two little incoming bottom teeth. He let out a squeal and kicked his legs about excitedly. Lana chuckled, "Well, good morning to you too." She reached in to his crib and carried him out.

"Oh." She noticed the two little white bumps that had begun to appear in the past few days. "Will you look at that?" She took him to his changing table and commenced to change his diaper. "Do they hurt, little boy?"

Johnny cooed and squirmed about as he continued to babble at Lana now telling her whatever he had been telling the pacifier. He was usually very chatty in the mornings. Johnny rolled on to his belly whilst Lana reached under the changing table for a new diaper and attempted to hoist himself up. Lana frowned lightly when she looked to see the naked little boy squirming away from her. "Whoa, there." She laid him back on his back. "Stay still now." She told him as she strapped on his diaper.

When she was done changing him, Lana fed him and got him ready to go to Barb's. By the time they reached Barb's Johnny was fussy and angry from his incoming teeth. Lana hated seeing him in discomfort but couldn't do much to help him.

Lana settled Johnny on her hip and knocked on Barb's door. She was so thankful to Barb who took care of Johnny while she was at work. Even Lois gave them occasional hand when she wasn't working. Still, she wasn't as close to the baby as Barb was. When Barb answered the door she was more than happy to take Johnny in to her arms and like always, encouraged Johnny to say goodbye to his mother and call her "Mama" but Johnny only babbled or cried out for Lana wanting back in to her arms. And like always, Lana tried not to let the name bother her.

…

Lana wasn't at work for at least two hours when barb called her. Johnny was crying non stop due to the pain and discomfort in his gums. Lana couldn't concentrate knowing her little boy was upset and went to Lou's office to announce her departure.

"Teething?" Lou asked as he sat back on his desk rummaging through files, "Just put some whiskey on his gums and the kid will be alright."

Lana frowned. "Are you daft? I am not going to put liquor on my son's gums."

Lou stopped his rummaging; his eyes flickered to meet Lana's. He lay back against his chair, crossed his arms and raised his brows, "_Your_ son?"

Lana's eyes shifted and she cleared her throat standing straight. "Yes." She said firmly. "_My_ son."

Lou chuckled. "That's what I thought, Winters. Fine. Go tend to your little chick-e-dee." He waved her away.

Lana rolled her eyes at him and excited his office.

…

The following day, Lana was in the kitchen struggling with breakfast. Johnny sat in his high chair sucking on his pacifier. His incoming teeth were still bothering him since the day before. He had cried and fussed for hours the previous afternoon until Lana managed to sooth his discomfort with some remedies Barb had suggested. That morning he was a bit fussy but was calming down little by little.

Lana muttered angrily to herself. She had skipped work that day to care for a grumpy Johnny but it seemed that he was only faking it and calmed down as soon as he realized that Lana wasn't going to leave him. He sat in his high chair kicking his little legs up and down. The beginning of the summer was nice, warm and bright but Lana would rather spend the day inside where it was cool. Johnny reached over to his feet and grabbed a hold of the tip of his sock and after a few pulls managed to yank it off. He was beginning to grab a hold of things; Lana could see a change in his cognitive growth.

Lana sighed heavily bringing Johnny's attention to her. "Damn it." She cursed turning off the stove where the water was boiling and spilling on to the stove. She had tried to cook for once but was struggling quite a bit. At least when Wendy was around she was able to guide her but now Lana was all on her own.

Johnny began to babble nonsense like he usually did. He shook his sock around and dropped it on the floor. "Ooh." He said as he looked down and tried to reach it.

After Lana made breakfast and forced herself to eat it, she plucked Johnny out of his high chair and placed him down upon his blanket in the living room. "Okay, today's the day you start crawling." Lana said to him but mostly to herself.

According to the baby books Johnny should have begun to start crawling at seven months and should have mastered it by now. However, he wasn't. Neither was he beginning to stand on his own against the furniture. Lana worried but Barb assured her that he was just a late bloomer.

Johnny sat with his legs kicked out in front of him. He wore a navy blue onesie Lana had bought him recently. He had his pacifier in his mouth; his big brown eyes were wide and alert.

"Alright." Lana said as she sat a few feet away from him, "Come on." She was determined to get her boy to crawl.

Johnny looked at her and continued to suck on his pacifier. He then looked away and turned his attention to a toy at his feet. He reached over and grabbed it with one hand and then passed it to the other. Lana sighed. "You cry for me all day and when you have me you don't even care, do you?"

Johnny gave out an angry little grunt as he shook the toy. Lana buried her face in her hands for a moment and sighed. She then began to call him over. Johnny turned at the sound of his name.

"Come on, Johnny boy." Lana encouraged him.

Johnny squealed and dropped the toy. He placed his hands on the blanket and tried to move forward but he became nervous and hesitated.

"You can do it." Lana encouraged him.

Johnny's little brows pulled together in concentration and frustration. He whined and reached for Lana. Lana fought the urge to pluck him in to her arms; he just looked so helpless. Johnny cried out, the pacifier dropped from his mouth on to the carpet. He sat back down and reached his arms up for Lana to pick him up.

"No, no, you have to crawl." She told him.

"Ahh!" Johnny cried reaching out for her again. He brought his little fists to his eyes and began to cry.

Lana sighed, defeated. She stood to her feet and picked him up in to her arms. Johnny instantly stopped his crying and began to giggle. Lana's expression went flat, "Oh, you big faker."

Johnny only giggled.

…

The warm weather continued during the following days. Barb met Lana and Johnny at the park that afternoon having convinced Lana that it was a nice day out and the baby would enjoy some sunshine and fresh air. Barb had also noticed a deep concern in her friend's eyes every time she dropped the baby boy off in the mornings and when she picked him up in the evenings.

They found themselves sitting in a bench under a tree by the pond. There were a few boys playing by the edge of the water. They skipped rocks and laughed amongst each other. Lana noticed a few young couples walking hand in hand under the canopy of trees. It really was a peaceful day but she couldn't help to worry.

Johnny weighed heavily on her mind. He hadn't been doing anything the baby books said he should have been doing. "He hasn't even begun to say real words." Lana said looking at the little boy who sat on the blanket on the grass before them.

Barb looked at Lana. "Oh, c'mon, Lana. Don't worry. He will when he's ready. I mean, have you encouraged him to call you "mama?""

Lana averted her eyes from Barb. She gave a short shake of the head.

Barb sighed. "Oh, Lana. How do you want the boy to talk if he doesn't even know what to call you?"

Lana sighed heavily. "You're right. Its just…its still hard…"

Barb placed her hand on Lana's. "I know you're still struggling but you need to put the past behind you and think about your little one. He's a very bright little boy, Lana. He just needs the right guidance and he'll be fine."

"You think so?" Lana looked to her. She often felt ill equipped to care for Johnny. She doubted her ability to be a good mother and often questioned if she should be the one to raise him. However, Lana knew she loved him. She adored him till no end and she missed him whenever she was apart from him. Whether it was at work or when he slept in his own room. Lana just couldn't bring herself to admit that she was a good mother because she struggled and often had no idea what she was doing. Her little boy wasn't even talking yet. And sometimes she even found it hard to look at him without thinking of Oliver. But Lana loved him despite of that, so she had told herself over and over.

"I know so." Barb smiled. "You're still raising him after everything you went through. That says a lot."

Lana nodded wishing she could truly believe Barb's words.

"Now," Barb said with a smile plucking Johnny from his blanket and sitting him upon her lap. "How's about we practice?"

"Oh, Barb." Lana said sheepishly.

"No, come on." She turned Johnny's attention to Lana. "Who is that? Its Mommy."

Johnny landed his big brown eyes on Lana and grinned widely showing off his two little incoming bottom teeth. He squealed and reached for her. Lana couldn't help the soft smile that spread along her lips. She took the little boy in to her arms, sitting him on her lap.

"Well, he can't say Mommy yet but he sure knows who Mommy is." Barb smiled.

Lana did too.

…

Lana and Barb made their way out of the park. Blackened clouds had blocked the warm blue sky and the wind had picked up.

"Well, this is sure some odd weather." Barb commented, shivering just a bit.

"It is." Lana agreed as she heaved Johnny higher in her arms, holding him closer. She hadn't thought to bring him a sweater since it had been so warm out. Johnny kept his attention on his mother's necklace, babbling incoherent sounds here and there. He talked a lot but he never made any sense to Lana.

Lana and Barb walked past an older couple. The woman, in her mid fifties stopped as soon as she saw Lana. Her husband kept on walking only stopping when he realized that his wife was not walking by his side. The woman watched with widened eyes as Lana's face registered in her mind. And as quickly as the clouds covered the sky, anger raged in her eyes.

"Elaine?" Her husband said as he turned around to see his wife making her way to two women with a baby. His eyes met the side of Lana's face and he instantly froze.

"You!"

Lana turned around when she heard the angry voice behind her. She spun around to meet the woman's angry eyes darting right at her. Lana froze instantly when she recognized whom it was.

"M- Mrs. Peyser?" The name escaped her lips in a haunting whisper.

"Lana?" Barb stopped when she heard the angry woman explode in Lana's face.

"I hoped to God I'd never see your face again!" The woman spat.

Lana took a step back, holding a startled Johnny against her. Johnny watched the woman with wide eyes. His little hand clutched on to Lana's blouse tightly.

"Elaine!" Mr. Peyser grabbed a hold of his wife's arm in attempt to pull her back but she yanked away from his grasp.

"You took her from me!" She pushed Lana back.

"Whoa, lady! What's your problem?" Barb cut in to defend Lana but all Lana could do was stand there completely frozen by the woman's presence and the words that sliced like icicles against her skin.

"Its your fault my girl is dead!" She yelled.

"Elaine, please!" Her husband begged but the woman would not stop. She looked at Lana with so much hate and disgust that it terrified even Lana herself.

"You corrupted her! Soiled her! And now she's gone!" Her eyes then looked upon the baby in Lana's arms. She shook her head in disbelief.

"Mrs. Peyser, please." Lana was able to find her voice, "I- Wendy—" but she couldn't utter any more words. Her name lodged itself in her throat unable to make its way back out.

"You don't deserve to speak her name." The woman said grimly, "My girl is dead and here you are living the life she never got to live because of you."

"Elaine, enough!" Her husband urged her.

"You don't deserve that child in your arms. You don't deserve to be happy while my daughter is paying for your sins!" Mrs. Peyser cried.

The woman was in hysterics by the time her husband managed to pull her away from Lana. Her screams had caught the attention of passerby's. People craned their necks to look at the commotion unraveling before their eyes and all Lana could do was hold Johnny against her as she held Mrs. Peyser's hateful gaze. She felt every single blow and the burn of every single word.

"Its your fault! Its all your fault!"

"That is enough!" Her husband finally snapped and managed to yank her away.

"You don't deserve any happiness!" The woman yelled as he husband forced her away, "You don't deserve him!"

Lana stood there with a now crying Johnny in her arms. She watched as Mr. Peyser dragged Wendy's mother away and they disappeared in the near distance. Barb shook Lana back to her senses. "Lana! Hey, are you okay?"

Lana felt her head spin as a heavy rock fell to the pit of her stomach. She could hear the stitches in her heart begin to rip one by one.

"Lana!" Barb called her back to reality.

Lana snapped herself out of it and looked to Barb. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Lana nodded without a single word. She then looked to Johnny and soothed his crying. "Shh, there, there, little boy. Its okay." She leaned her cheek against his head and rubbed his back, "Its okay."

…

Lana sat in the kitchen of her home with her head hung over the table. The loud rain hit hard against the house. The weather had been quite odd for the summer. It had been days since Wendy's mother had aggravated her in the park. Lana had not been able to rip her words out of her head. In a way, Mrs. Peyser had been right. Wendy was dead because Lana had insisted on the Bloody Face case. Wendy's death had been all her fault. And now there she was alive and well after everything while Wendy had paid for Lana's mistakes. Wendy was gone and Lana was alive living the life Wendy deserved. Lana could understand Mrs. Peyser's frustrations when she screamed those words. In a way, Lana knew she was right.

Johnny's soft cries came from his room. Lana's head slowly lifted at the source of the sound. Her eyes followed the sound down the hall where Johnny's room was. Mrs. Peyser said she didn't deserve Johnny; she didn't deserve a family or happiness. Not after what she had done to her daughter. Maybe she was right, Lana thought, maybe she didn't deserve happiness. Maybe she didn't deserve him.

Lana slowly stood to her feet. She made her way to the closet where she found Johnny's old basket, the one he slept in where she didn't even have a bassinet. She placed the basket on the sofa and then went to Johnny's room. He lay wide awake in his crib. Without a word, Lana scooped him in her arms and took him to the living room where she placed him in the basket.

Johnny settled right in; he looked up at Lana with sleepy eyes. Lana looked down at him studying his precious face, "Maybe I don't deserve you at all." She whispered.

…

Lana drove through the streets of Boston with a cigarette in her shaky hands. She had tried to quit for good but her nerves were driving her insane and the smoke seemed to help if only a little. She brought the smoke to her lips and inhaled filling her lungs to burst. She then blew out the smoke through the window in to the oddly cold Boston day. It seemed like the weather had been mocking her along with the cosmos. It was just one sick joke after another.

Next to Lana, on the passenger seat, lay Johnny in the basket. He was wrapped in a blanket and fast asleep. He always fell asleep in car rides. He was quite fond of them and over time Lana found that she could quit his never-ending cries by taking him for a ride. However, on that day the stress, the fear, her sleep-deprived mind and the words of that woman drove Lana down a very familiar street. One she had driven multiple times.

Lana brought the car to a halt, only yards away from her destination. She lifted her somber brown eyes to spot St. Anne's Home for Children. Lana killed her cigarette and turned her attention to Johnny. Lana had managed eight months with him. Eight months of nightmares, depression, doubts, fears and guilt. But that wasn't all those eight months had held. They also held a sort of happiness Lana had not experienced in her entire life. But after hearing that woman yell at her, when Lana looked at her boy she saw Oliver perched on top of her and when she tried to sleep she only saw Wendy's frozen corpse laying in bed with her. Lana always tried to escape but the chain around her ankle would drag her back, keeping her in her never-ending nightmare.

Whenever Lana laid her eyes on her son she forced herself not to cry. But on that day Lana reached her breaking point. Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. Her mind urged her body to move but she remained stiff in her seat. A part of her mind screamed at her to pick up the basket and drop it off at the doors of the orphanage but Lana couldn't bring herself to.

"Come on, Lana." She urged herself but no matter how much she tried she couldn't move. She just couldn't bring herself to abandon her son on those porch steps.

"Damn it!" She slammed her fists upon the steering wheel, "Damn it!" She screamed.

Johnny was instantly startled by Lana's screams and commenced to cry. His piercing wails filled the car and stunned Lana back to reality. Defeated by her own weakness and her inability to abandon her child, Lana rested her head on the wheel and cried. She cried because she couldn't abandon her son, she cried because she often couldn't carry on with the pain and she cried because she was alive and Wendy was dead. Lana was living the life Wendy wanted. She had become the mother Wendy wanted to be. And Lana missed her terribly. She knew if Wendy was with her she would be stronger. She would be able to lift her head up high and raise her son the way it should have been. But Lana felt all alone. She had nothing. No one.

Lana's eyes wandered to the baby boy crying in the basket. He had been crying for fifteen minutes and Lana still hadn't managed to get out of the car. But watching her little boy suffer was too cruel for words. Lana couldn't take it any longer and reached in to the basket, desperate to stop her child from crying. Johnny adored her and that both softened and shattered her. He loved her so much and there she was about to abandon him like Wendy once abandoned her.

"Shh, there, there, don't cry." Lana held the baby against her chest. Perhaps Lana was wrong; perhaps she could be stronger without Wendy. Perhaps she wasn't all alone. Of course she wasn't; she had Johnny.

Johnny cried trying to find comfort in her arms; he buried his little face in the crook of her neck. His little hands clutched tightly to her.

"I'm sorry." Lana told him unsure if she was apologizing for waking him or for trying to leave him at an orphanage.

Lana held him tighter, resting her cheek on top of his head. "I really am." She found herself apologizing for not only trying to abandon him but also for all the neglect and the fear and the anger she still harbored inside of her. But the longer she held him so close the less important all of those things felt. Johnny whined but soon settled down. Lana laid him down against her arms, cradling him to her. She let her eyes fall upon his angelic face. "I'm sorry." She repeated in a soft whisper.

Johnny cooed softly, finding comfort in her embrace. His eyes slowly began to close as he felt himself safe in her arms.

"I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry." Lana continued to whisper to him. She brought him closer landing her lips upon his forehead. "Never again." She said, "I won't ever try to leave you ever again."

Lana pulled away; her glance fell upon him gently once more as she brushed his soft cheek with the tip of her fingers. He cooed softly at the feeling of her touch.

"I love you." She said to him softly as she pressed her forehead against his, "I love you so much my little boy."


	11. Young Legs

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS.

**A/N:** Thanks so much for all of your positive reviews, guys! And thanks for reading! Love you all. Seriously. Sorry its been taking me a while to update. College has taken up my time but not to worry, I will definitely find the time to update regularly like I have been. Anyway, enjoy the new chapter!

…

**CH 11**- Young Legs

…

It was dark by the time Lana arrived home. She was silent as she stepped out of the car with Johnny in her arms. He was fast asleep, exhausted from crying himself to sleep. Lana slowly went up the porch and unlocked the door. She stepped inside and ran her hand along the wall until she found the light switch and turned it on. Lana leaned against the door after turning the lock and placed her hand upon Johnny's back.

Johnny's chubby cheek rested upon her shoulder; he breathed softly against her neck. Lana held him close as her eyes scanned their empty home. Neither ghost was there to welcome her home. Not even Oliver's ghost was nothing if not persistent. However, Lana was grateful for that. The last thing she needed was one of Oliver's witty remarks. She softly rubbed his back not able to imagine how it would have been to walk in to the house empty handed. Lana had made her choice and it was the right one; she just knew it was.

After a moment, Lana pushed away from the door and went directly in to her room. She lay Johnny down on the bed. He whined softly unhappy with being removed from her arms.

"Shh, shh, you're okay." Lana whispered softly to him. She then gently removed his clothes and changed his diaper. Once he was in a clean onesie, Lana discarded her shoes on the floor and lay in bed with Johnny close to her. She ran her fingers across Johnny's forehead, brushing aside his incoming bangs. Johnny moved slightly at her touch but remained fast asleep.

"We're going to start new lives together, you and I." She leaned in and kissed his chubby cheek, "I promise."

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

I Wonder Why by Dion and the Belmonts flowed through the house. Lana was seated at her desk. She had been working furiously on a new, meaningless column. She had rewritten it various times but her wording felt off, still, Lana felt she was on the right track. Lana was down in nothing but shorts and a tank. The mid July heat was excruciating. She held her auburn hair back in a ponytail exposing her velvet neck. She ran the back of her hand along her brow, brushing off the sweat.

It was then she heard the ripping of paper and sighed. "Johnny." She said and looked behind her where Johnny sat on his blanket. He was in nothing but a diaper to beat the heat. In his hands he held crumpled up pieces of Lana's failed attempts. He squealed as he ripped the pieces of paper apart completely delighted with the sound they made.

"I'm trying to concentrate, you know." She said to him but Johnny just kept on laughing his little baby laugh.

It had been two weeks since Lana took her last trip to St. Anne's Home for Children with Johnny in the passenger's seat. And in the time since then Lana had felt liberation she had not felt in a very long time. In a way she had felt certain guilt for keeping the baby boy and continuing a new life without her lover. Mrs. Peyser had made that guilt even more real but upon holding her son and uttering those three words she thought she never would speak, made Lana realize that she deserved a new start. And not only her, Johnny did too. They both did. And Lana was certain Wendy would want that for them despite what her mother said in her fit of rage.

Johnny looked at his mother and laughed. Lana bit her bottom lip and bit back a smile. She stood to her feet and went over to him. It was hard to concentrate when all she wanted to do was play with her son. He was a big distraction but Lana didn't mind. Johnny kicked his little bare feet and put the crumpled paper in to his mouth.

"No." Lana said sternly and took the paper away. She knew she was going to start laying down the law if she wanted her child to grow up to be well behaved and not run a muck.

Johnny whined and reached for the paper. When Lana took it away Johnny commenced to cry. "Oh, don't you cry." She said and lifted him up in her arms. Once Johnny was settled on her hip he stopped crying and commenced to babble things in Lana's ear.

Lana walked over to the wall and turned on the fan on the ceiling to freshen up the room. She couldn't wait for summer to be over.

"Oh?" Lana said to Johnny's babbles, "You don't say. Well, that is very interesting."

Johnny squealed at her response and jumped up and down in her arms.

That night Lana sat in bed watching the news on the small tv. She watched Michaels, one of the reporters Lou put on the field doing a story that could have and should have been hers. Johnny sat in the middle of the bed with a pacifier in his mouth, sitting up all on his own. In his hands, Johnny held one of Lana's bras he had plucked from the small pile of clean laundry on the bed next to Lana. She had been folding clothes when the tv caught her attention. Johnny shook the bra around completely preoccupied with it.

Lana scoffed, "That could have been my story, you know." She said to Johnny.

Johnny glanced up at Lana and then to the bra in his hands.

"Lou's crazy if he thinks Michaels's got what it takes to be on screen."

Johnny grunted in response.

"Right?" Lana agreed with him, "Unbelievable." She shook her head.

Johnny looked from the screen to his mother and dropped the bra from his hands. He then placed his little hands upon the bed. He clutched tightly on to the comforters and pulled himself upward. He placed one hand in front of the other and moved himself forward. Johnny hesitated for a moment before he stumbled forward and looked up at Lana whose attention was set on the tv screen.

Lana scoffed again, "Can you believe the nerve of that guy?" She looked down to Johnny who placed his hands on her arm and babbled behind his pacifier.

Lana's brows pulled together, surprised to see Johnny at her side. "Wait…" She glanced back to the middle of the bed where the bra was left abandoned. She then sat up almost instantly, "Johnny boy, did you crawl?"

Lana grabbed Johnny and stood from the bed. She placed him on the carpet and kneeled down a few feet away. "Are you going to crawl for me again, little boy?"

Johnny grinned instantly and dropped the pacifier from his mouth. He squealed excitedly and placed his hands on the floor; he pushed off and crawled to Lana. Lana watched in amazement as her little boy hurried to her.

"Oh my God…" She whispered, "You're crawling. You're finally crawling."

"Ah!" Johnny said as he placed his hands on Lana's lap.

"You did it!" She picked him up and stood him on his feet before her. Johnny put his hands to his mouth and grinned widely. "That's my boy." Lana chuckled.

**AUGUST 1966**

Johnny had Lana on the edge at all times now that he was crawling. He had an itch to go everywhere he could crawl to and that included, to Lana's complete horror, the chimney. He was becoming very mischievous and Lana already dreaded what was to come once he was fully mobile.

Lana walked into the living room with a basket of clean laundry. "Hey, little boy." She greeted Johnny who sat on his blanket with some toys. As soon as he saw Lana he dropped his toy and instantly got on his hands and knees and crawled his way to her. Lana shifted the laundry basket to one arm and with the other leaned down and plucked Johnny from the floor.

"Oof, you're getting heavy." She said as she sat him against her hip. Johnny dangled his arms and legs, babbling on about only things he understood. He placed his little hands on Lana's hand around his waist. Lana had become very good at double tasking; she always had to do something whilst holding on to Johnny.

Once in her room, Lana sat Johnny on the bed along with the laundry basket. She rummaged through her clothes mixed with Johnny's plucking out his onesies first. Lana found it humorous that she was folding clothes on a Tuesday evening instead of working. Of course she had done her own laundry before, including Wendy's. (Even though she'd often shrink or discolor their clothes on accident.) However, it was different now because she was washing and folding her very own child's clothing. There was just something so astonishing about it.

Lana pulled out a tiny stripped shirt and began to fold it. Johnny crawled to the basket and reached inside grabbing a pair of Lana's underwear and pulling them out.

"Hey," Lana said with a light frown, "Give me those." She yanked them out of Johnny's grasp.

"Ah." He said surprised that they were ripped from his hand.

Lana chuckled. "Silly boy, those aren't yours."

Johnny giggled using the basket to hoist himself up; he wobbled and fell back on his diaper. He looked up at Lana with shocked doe eyes.

"Oh." Lana said pretending to be surprised.

"Oh!" Johnny mimicked her surprised himself that his balance had betrayed him. He shook it off and pulled himself upward reaching in to the basket again.

"I gotta get all your stuff ready for tomorrow." Lana said to him but mostly to herself, "I go back to work tomorrow and wanna have everything ready for Barb."

"Ba!" He said as he pulled out one of his little socks.

"And then I have to do the grocery shopping and get you diapers and wipes too. Now that I think of it I'm also low on baby powder." She started mumbling to herself instead of to Johnny.

When Lana wasn't at work, she was at home. The little baby boy was her only company the majority of the time so talking to him as if he could understand became a regular thing. Lana had thought of going out once in a while but the thought of leaving Johnny alone when she didn't have to just didn't sound too appealing. Besides, she didn't need to go out, so at least she thought. She had no interest in meeting new people or making new friends and dating was far from her mind. Her heart still belonged to Wendy, even though she was dead and gone.

…

The following morning at work, Lana was in Lou's office discussing a new column discussing the faulty school system. Lana was once again less than thrilled but she still wasn't allowed back on the field. She had thought of just going out on her own without Lou's permission but he wouldn't even think about using anything she gathered.

"How's that motherhood column coming along Winters?" Lou asked as he threw rubber ball in the air and caught it.

Lana stood across his desk with a folder in her hands. She had been discussing with him the possibility of visiting a few schools to talk to their principals more scoop on the topic but Lou was far from listening. He honestly didn't even care about the school system. It was just some petty story to keep Lana busy.

Lana's eyes shot from the folder in her hands to him. She paused for a moment and looked back to her work. "Its coming along. Thanks for asking."

"Okay, okay, fair enough." He nodded. Lou paused for a moment, the ball landing back in his hands. He looked to Lana and pointed at her. "What about that manuscript?"

Lana instantly came to a halt. Her eyes lifted if a only a little but she kept them off of Lou. "…What manuscript?"

Lou scoffed. "Oh, don't play stupid with me, Winters. You know perfectly what I'm talking about. You said you were going to write a book that would blow the doors off of Briarcliff. You know, to tell your story about your tangle with Bloody Face." His eyes widened and he made a spooky voice when he pronounced that maniac's name."

Lana closed her eyes and exhaled. Of course she remembered her manuscript. She had been working on it vigorously when she was pregnant but had stopped days before she went in to labor and when she brought Johnny home she just never took it out again. She closed her folder and relaxed her body. "Briarcliff was shut down for good. What else is there to do?"

"What else is there to do?" Lou scoffed, "But Winters, you even said it yourself, you were going to tell people your story! You were going to become famous."

Lana brushed him off. "Well, things change."

"Winters-"

"Drop it, Lou, okay?" Lana snapped finally looking at him, "Briarcliff was shut down for good. That's all that matters. "

Lou was on his feet, his hands upon his desk. "But don't you matter too, Lana?"

Lana tore her glance away. She took in a deep breath and very so calmly spoke, "I have a son now. A son I have to protect from the truth. Continuing that book will only hurt and confuse him in the long run." She looked at Lou, "He's the only one who matters now."

Lou pushed away from his desk and walked around to stand before Lana. He placed his hands on her shoulders.

Lana sighed softly. "I never want him to know about Bloody Face because as far as I'm concerned my baby has no father."

Lou smiled sadly. "You don't realize it but you're a good mother, Winters."

Lana scoffed. "Oh, stop it, Lou."

Lou laughed his boomy laugh and stepped away. "Modesty doesn't suit you, you know."

"And kindness doesn't suit you." Lana shot back.

Lou chuckled. "Fair enough."

…

That night after Lana put Johnny to bed she wandered in to the living room. She meandered around picking up some of Johnny's toys and some of his socks that he had managed to yank off. She then walked up to her desk where she ran her fingers along the keys of her typewriter. Lana took a seat and reached in to the bottom drawer of the desk.

She rummaged through a few papers and brought out a short stack holding it in her hands before her. The front page read: MANIAC One Woman's Story of Survival. Lana sighed softly and skimmed through the pages. Words like monster, abomination, cruel, cosmic joke, and unwanted jumped right at her. It was then Lana realized all of those words were describing her pregnancy. She let her hands fall to her lap and looked up in the direction of her room where Johnny was fast asleep in her bed. Her eyes instantly watered and a single tear ran down her cheek. How could she have ever expressed herself that way about her son?

Lana quickly wiped away her tear and stood from the desk. She hurried to the fireplace and grabbed the small box of matches that lay on top. She turned on the fireplace and ignited a match, throwing it on to the wood. A fire instantly appeared. Lana took a step back and brought the manuscript before her eyes. She glared at it hatefully and threw it in to the fire and watched it burn. Those horrible words would never harm her son.

Lana sat and watched as the fire died down burning every single page she had written. The manuscript had been unfinished but Lana had no use for it anymore. When she chose to keep Johnny she chose to leave Briarcliff and Bloody Face in her past. She was going to keep the promise she made her son; they were going to start new lives without the past to burden them. And to do that, Lana had to fully move on from that past. Her eyes rose from the ground to a framed photograph of her and Wendy on top of the fireplace mantle. She definitely knew what to do to move on.

…

The day was fresh out. The heat had subsided if only for a moment. Lana made her way down the pearly white hall, an isle of many. Countless names adorned the walls engraved in to the white marble stone. Underneath them were dates and final words accompanied by a bouquet of flowers or a meaningful memento left by someone who once knew them.

The sounds of Lana's heels against the aluminum floors bounced off the marble walls. In her arms she carried a well-dressed Johnny along with a fresh bouquet of flowers. Johnny's big chocolate eyes marveled over his surroundings. It was his first time visiting the memorial. He clutched on to Lana's fine black dress knowing he was safe wherever she was.

Lana finally reached her destination. She stopped in front of the memorial and smiled weakly. "Hi, Wendy. It's been a long time…"

Upon the white marble stone read the name WENDY ELAINE PEYSER. Below was a bouquet of dead flowers withering away. Lana sniffled and fought the tears back. "Wendy, I'd like you to meet someone." She looked to the baby boy who had become preoccupied with a button on her dress. She lifted him higher in her arms. "This is Johnny. He's…he's my son." She smiled softly at the little boy.

"Johnny boy." Lana called to him. Johnny looked up from the button on her dress to his mother. "This is Wendy." She motioned to the grave before her. Johnny followed Lana's hand to the grave where his eyes landed upon the rich white stone. "She's the love of Mommy's life." A tear rolled down Lana's cheek.

Johnny mumbled soft baby babbles and returned his attention back to the button. Lana looked at Wendy's name engraved on the stone. "I kept him Wendy and honestly it was the best decision I made. I know its what you would have wanted too." Lana paused looking down to her feet for a moment, "But I won't lie to you, it's been very hard and I haven't dealt with it in the best ways…"

Lana wiped away a tear with one hand while she balanced Johnny and the flowers with the other. "I haven't been the best person since everything has happened but I'm going to set myself straight." She looked to Johnny, "I'm going to be a mother to my son and continue living life the best I could. I may not deserve it but he does." She placed her hand on Johnny's back. "He's not at fault for my mistakes and the actions of that monster."

Lana looked back to the grave. " I know you didn't get to do everything you wanted but I'm going to live for the both of us." She stepped closer and put a hand on Wendy's grave.

Mrs. Peyser had been wrong. Lana had paid her dues for her mistakes. Not only had she lost the love of her life but she had lost everything else too. Oliver Thredson had taken everything from her, he took Wendy and he took her hopes and her dreams. Of course after she shot him she took it upon herself to bring Briarcliff down. She was motivated to bring the place down and bring justice to those who had been done wrong. She said she was going to be famous and write a book that would make her a household name. However, that all changed when she kept her son. And after that the motivation dwindled and she hunkered down. Lana no longer wanted to become famous. All she wanted was to be a good mother and move her career forward. She wanted a simple life filled with love, peace and well-deserved success because Lana knew she and her boy deserved a good life.

Johnny stopped fumbling with the button and looked to Lana's hand on the stone. He leaned over and placed his tiny dimpled hand upon the stone, tapping it softly.

Lana opened her eyes to see her son's tiny hand on Wendy's grave. Johnny babbled as he continued to tap the stone next to Lana's hand. And in that moment Lana knew everything would be fine. They would be fine.


	12. Mommy Winters

**Disclaimer: I do not own AHS.**

**A/N: **Hi everyone! Sorry for taking forever to upload. Here's the new chapter and thanks for all the love!

…

**CH 12- **Mommy Winters

…

**OCTOBER 1966**

With October came the cold breeze of autumn. Once more the leaves began to change colors, falling upon the grounds of Boston. People placed pumpkins on their porches and stores were decorated with Halloween decorations. Children ran around in costumes excitedly waiting for nightfall.

On that Sunday afternoon, Barb, Lois, Lana and little eleven-month-old Johnny cruised through the pumpkin patch out in the outskirts of Boston. It had been Barb's idea and she dragged Lois and Lana along with her. Lois claimed not to have carved a pumpkin in over ten years while Lana was more preoccupied with her work that waited for her at home.

Johnny hung in her arms kept warm in his marine blue hoodie and red beanie. He oo'd and babbled at all the things he saw and jumped excitedly pointing at things. Lana hoisted him higher in her arms, keeping him warm against her lavish coat.

"Oh, take that look off your face, Lana." Barb said, "Its Johnny's first Halloween."

Lana sighed heavily. She didn't know why she let Barb pressure her in to doing things but she supposed it was for a good cause. Johnny looked to be having a good time. More than a good time, he was utterly transfixed by every single aspect of the pumpkin patch.

"Fine." She said in defeat.

It wasn't long before a horse-drawn carriage arrived for the next hayride. They climbed inside and sat on haystacks in the back of the carriage. Lana secured Johnny on her lap facing Barb and Lois. It wasn't long before the driver had the horse going and he carriage began to move. Lana wrapped an arm around Johnny's belly to keep him steady. He stuck his hand in his mouth and babbled things. Absentmindedly, Lana pressed her lips upon his beanie and kissed his head.

"Lois, Lois," Barb called, "Look at this."

She turned to Johnny, "Johnny, who is that?" She pointed to Lana.

Johnny, with his hand still in his mouth, turned from Barb to look up at Lana. His eyes instantly brightened and he cooed with a wide grin.

"Who is it?" Barb repeated, taking his hand out of his mouth.

"Mama!" Johnny cooed.

Barb laughed with glee, Lois's eyes widened in almost disbelief and Lana's heart fluttered.

"My word. When did this happen?" Lois asked.

"Just the other day." Lana explained as she fixed Johnny's beanie.

Lana had been sitting at her desk late during the night finishing up her Motherhood column when she heard Johnny begin to cry from his room. She instantly stood to her feet and hurried to aid his crying. Johnny was sitting in his crib, bawling his eyes out. Lana figured he must have had a nightmare and was startled awake. Lana picked him up and nestled him to her chest, shushing him softly. Johnny clutched to her and mumbled the word "Mama" as he buried his face in the crook of her neck. Lana froze instantly and her heart skipped a beat. She knew she would hear that word sooner or later but she was not expecting the feeling that came along with it.

"Well, congrats Lana," Lois said, "Another baby badge unlocked."

"Ha, ha, very funny." Lana said sarcastically and held on to Johnny tighter.

Johnny rested his head against Lana's chest as he watched the pumpkin patches and the apple orchards go by. Lana too watched the view, feeling the fresh autumn breeze against her skin. She breathed in the fresh air content to share such a moment with her son.

When the hayride came to an end, the three women and the little boy made their way to the pumpkin patch. People from all ages scattered around choosing their pumpkins.

"Ready to pick one, little boy?" Lana looked to Johnny and set him down on the sprinkled hay next to a few pumpkins. Johnny instantly clutched on to Lana, trembling. He whined softly not too happy with the idea of being put down in an unfamiliar place.

"I don't think he likes them very much." Lois said teasingly.

Lana smiled softly at her little boy ignoring Lois's words. "Its ok. Look." She said patting a pumpkin. "It won't hurt you."

She stood Johnny on his wobbly legs and let him lean over and mimic her motions. He patted the pumpkin with a little hand and began to jump up and down excitedly. Once Lana said it was okay he was ready to explore.

"See?" Barb smiled, "He likes it." She dug in to her purse and brought out her camera.

Lois groaned. "Put that away will ya?"

"Why?"

"I hate that thing."

"Well, it's not for you." Barb huffed and snapped a photo of Lana and Johnny with the pumpkins. Lana hadn't even noticed; she was too busy focused on her son.

Johnny pulled away from his mother and crawled to a large pumpkin. He pulled himself upward and began to babble to it. Lana stood to her feet and smiled. "I think he likes it."

Johnny watched as a few older children ran past him. They had candy apples in their hands and giggled excitedly as they ran by. He tried to take a step forward but wobbled and fell over with a soft "oof". After, he got on his hands and knees and began to crawl away.

"Whoa, get back here." Lana snatched him up from the ground and sat him on her hip.

Lois and Barb began to argue their plans after the right pumpkin was chosen. Lois wanted to take Johnny to the petting zoo whilst Barb wanted them to get lunch. Lana ignored their bickering and took Johnny along the rows and rows of pumpkins. She looked each one of them over. Some of the pumpkins were still green whilst the others were a brilliant orange. It was then Lana slowly began to remember Wendy.

X

_As soon as Lana entered her home the smell of fresh baked pumpkin pies filled her nose. She walked through the living room where scattered around the coffee table were drawn pumpkins and little white ghosts made of tissue. _

"_Wendy?" Lana called out her lover's name. _

_She found Wendy in the kitchen. On the table were various pumpkins ranging in sizes. Besides her was a bowl of candy she had prepared for the trick or treaters like she did every year. Her students loved to stop by her house and Wendy would give them candy and caramel apples wrapped in decorated wrapping. _

_Lana on the other hand wasn't big on Halloween. She usually worked that night covering some sort of story having to do with the vandalism of teenagers. But seeing Wendy get excited over the holiday made her excited._

_Wendy was elbow deep in a large pumpkin. Its guts were spilled out on to a plate in the middle of the table._

_Lana laughed. "What's all this?"_

_Wendy looked up and smiled. "Why, its Halloween!" She laughed, "I want to have everything prepared for the children tonight."_

_Lana walked over to her and kissed her lips, wrapping her arms around her waist. "You're too good to be true, do you know that?"_

_Wendy chuckled as she turned her attention back to the pumpkin. "So I've been told."_

_Lana smiled and then looked to Wendy's task. "Yuck."_

"_Do you want to carve one with me?" Wendy asked and Lana made her way to the fridge. _

"_No, thanks. I'd rather not get that gunk in my hair again." She said referring to the previous year. _

_Wendy laughed. "Lana, you stinker."_

"_Call me what you want." Lana said walking over to Wendy and kissing her cheek, "I'll be in the den if you need me." And she walked off leaving Wendy to carve the pumpkins on her own._

X

Lana pulled herself from the memory. That was the last Halloween she spent with Wendy. The following one she had spent it locked up in Briarcliff.

"Ma-ma." Johnny babbled.

Lana had unknowingly set him down again while she drowned in her memory of Wendy and their last Halloween together. She looked down to Johnny who was standing against a bright orange pumpkin, roughly his size. He looked up at her with brilliant brown eyes.

Lana knelt down to his level. "Is this the one you want, little boy?" Johnny giggled and looked back to the pumpkin. He patted it excitedly. Lana smiled. "Alright, whatever you want."

…

That night Barb had insisted they return back to Lana's home to carve their pumpkins, watch movies and pass out candy to the children. Lana agreed only because she didn't want to be home alone with Oliver's ghost pestering her about only God knew what.

They had discussed taking Johnny out for a stroll to collect candy but Lois said he was too young to even know what was going on and couldn't even eat the candy. Barb said it didn't matter; it was the experience that counted. Besides, Lana could always eat his candy if she wanted to. So Barb put a little pumpkin beanie on Johnny's head and ushered Lana out of the house with the boy in arms.

"Just a few houses." Barb had promised.

Lana felt rather silly walking up to the doors with a group of small children surrounding her. It was for Johnny but she still felt rather odd. And by the time the sun fully set Lana called it a night. It was getting cold and she worried that Johnny would get sick. Lois suggested they get out of Lana's hair but Barb, of course, refused claiming they still had to carve the pumpkins and pass out the last bits of candy.

…

Johnny sat in his high chair in the kitchen watching with wide brown eyes as Barb began to carve the first pumpkin. Lana stood by the counter having a warm drink. She never really was one for carving pumpkins.

"Here you go, Johnny." Barb smiled as she placed a tiny pumpkin on Johnny's high chair before him. The top had been cut off allowing him to reach inside and pull out the pumpkin's guts.

Johnny giggled and squealed as he reached inside and grabbed a hold of the gooey substance. Lana couldn't help but to smile at her little boy. She walked over to him and helped him. "What do you have here, little boy?"

Johnny babbled a response and continued to reach inside the pumpkin pulling out sticky yellow strands and clumps of white seeds. He giggled and slapped his hands on the tray making a mess. Lana, Barb and Lois couldn't help but to laugh at his excitement and by the time they were done, Johnny was covered in pumpkin guts.

"Looks like you need a bath." Lana said as she carried him out of his chair and cleaned his face with a towel.

After Lois and Barb left, Lana gave Johnny a warm bath, changed him in to white and orange stripped pajamas and cuddled with him on the couch. She turned on the television and skimmed through the channels until she found a horror movie. She cradled Johnny in her arms, patting his bottom softly as he ate. Lana still hadn't managed to fully wean him. He had begun to eat solids here and there but he just wouldn't be weaned. He'd put up a good fight ever time and like always, Lana succumbed to his desires.

Lana sighed at the horror movie. "Why do they always trip when they run?" She asked him.

Johnny looked up at her from his busy task but remained quiet. Finally, when he was done, Lana burped him and cradled him against her. The house was nice and warm and Lana was exhausted from such a busy day but she was comfortable and relaxed, cuddled on the couch with Johnny in arms. By the time the movie was over, Lana glanced at the clock on the lamp table. It was 11:59 p.m. Once the clock hit midnight, it would be November and before Lana knew it, it would be Johnny's first birthday.

She sighed softly and looked down to her little boy. "One year." She said softly to him, "One whole year of just me and you." She leaned down and kissed his forehead.

**NOVEMBER 1966**

Lana sat on the far end of the living room on her knees and her hands were placed on her thighs. Her hair was tied back in a ponytail; loose strands of unruly hair fell down the sides of her face. She looked rather exhausted and dressed in nothing but pants and a loose peach colored shirt. The living room was a complete whirlwind of toys and books thrown about. Somehow the house could never stay clean for too long.

"Are you ready?" Lana asked.

Across from Lana, a few feet away, was almost one-year-old Johnny. He was perched against the sofa holding himself up with chubby little legs. Lana had been trying to get him to walk before his first birthday. He went up and down in little squats as he held himself against the sofa too afraid to walk to Lana. Lana was nervous. Johnny had started crawling late and she worried he'd start walking late too.

"You can do it, come on now." Lana opened her palms up to him and encouraged him. Johnny whined and baby babbled. He reached his hand out to her and let out a frustrated cry.

"I'm not gonna go get ya." Lana told him, "You have to come to me." She opened and closed her hands inviting him on over.

Johnny stepped outward but was too afraid to let go of the safety of the sofa. He clenched to it and called out to Lana again. "Mama!" He whined.

"Don't be afraid, Johnny. I'm right here." Lana reassured him.

Ever since their last visit to St. Anne's, Lana had been very caring and loving. She was doing her best to be a better mother to him; however, sometimes things were still a bit hard for her. She still had nightmares of Oliver and Wendy's dead, frozen corpse and not to mention Oliver's ghost continued to loom around.

Johnny was growing up to take much after his father with his fair skin and dark brown hair. However, he had Lana's eyes and they shined ever so radiantly. Lana often worried about the features her son was inheriting from Oliver Thredson but upon looking in to his eyes she was reminded that he was a part of her more than anything.

Finally, Johnny let go of the sofa and took four feeble steps to Lana. She reached her hand out to him and watched in amazement as he took those first steps until he reached her hand. Lana took his little hand and lead him safely in to her arms.

"You did it, Johnny boy!" Lana smiled as Johnny snuggled himself in her arms happy to be back with her.

Johnny babbled his little baby gibberish as he held himself up against Lana.

Lana smiled proudly at her boy. "Look at you walking on your own now."

"Ma-ma!" Johnny said. Mama. It was Johnny's favorite word. Lana wasn't completely used to it but every time he said it her stomach would flip and eventually a smile crossed her lips.

Lana was done suffering over the past but there were days in where she would struggle and falter. However, watching that little boy recite her new name over and over felt unreal and she couldn't believe that this little person who she had given life to was starting to walk and talk. It blew her mind every time.

Johnny took two wobbly steps back and fell on his diapered bottom. He giggled causing Lana to smile. Johnny was beginning to bring a light in Lana's life that she never thought possible. A light not even she could ignore.

Lana sat and watched as Johnny stood back up and took a few more steps forward.

"Wow." Said his voice as it crept up from behind her. "Isn't it amazing?"

Lana froze instantly at the sound of Oliver's voice. He stood mere feet away, his arms crossed looking at their son as he took another step and toppled over. Lana kept her eyes on Johnny too, too afraid and too angry to look at Oliver. She was afraid that his ghost still haunted her and angry because his presence had infiltrated an important moment in their lives. Johnny's first steps were something Lana only wanted to herself so she ignored Oliver's presence.

Oliver walked from behind Lana and leaned down to her ear. "To think that two ugly people such as ourselves created something so beautiful."

Lana spun around but his ghost was gone.

"Mama!" Johnny's voice brought her attention back to him. He was standing by the couch, a wide smile on his precious face. Lana couldn't help to smile. Oliver was dead and it was just she and Johnny. Together they formed a tiny little family but she couldn't be happier.

"Johnny." She called to him, "Come here, baby."

Johnny giggled and crawled his way to Lana. Lana picked him up and hugged him. He was a few weeks shy of his first birthday and Lana was excited for what the future held for them.

"Mama." Johnny said as he pulled away.

Lana smiled. "Yes, Johnny. Mama."


	13. Motherhood

**Disclaimer:** I do not own AHS but holy shit.

**A/N**: Hi everyone! Thanks so much for the reviews and sorry about the lack of updating on my part on all my fics. In honor of Freak Show premiering tonight I shall be updating some of my fics! Enjoy!

…

**CH 12**- Motherhood

…

**NOVEMBER 1966**

…

12 A.M. The clock had finally struck midnight.

Lana stood over his crib, watching over his peaceful slumber. It had been one year, one an entire year with her little boy. One year as a single mother. The thought almost amazed Lana. So much had happened in just one single year and she had no clue where the time had gone. As she watched Johnny sleep she could barely believe how much he had grown. It felt as if it had been just yesterday that she brought him home.

Lana reached in to his crib and brought him out, cradling his sleeping frame against her chest.

"Happy Birthday, my little boy." She whispered softly and kissed the top of his head.

After putting Johnny back to bed, Lana walked in to her room and sat down on the edge of her bed. She glanced at her purse that sat on the middle of the bed and reached for it, pulling it to her side. Lana reached inside and pulled out a fresh newspaper dated November 16th, 1966.

Lana flipped through the pages until she came to the article she had been looking for. It was titled "Motherhood". Lana sighed to herself. It was finally done.

…

"Johnny, smile!" Barb called as she waved a toy over her camera.

Johnny sat in his high chair with a party hat on top of his head. Music was playing on the record player and the three women filled the kitchen. Barb was relentlessly trying to get Johnny to look at the camera and smile. Barb was over by the bar making herself a drink and Lana stood by the table looking down at the small cake Barb had baked for Johnny.

She was still having a tough time processing it all. Lana had not had anything planned for Johnny's birthday. In all honesty, she wanted to spend the day with him at home- just the two of them. However, Barb and Lois both insisted that they celebrate it together. After all, Johnny had become a part of their lives as well.

Lana could not argue that. So she let the women throw Johnny a small little party at their house. It was just the four of them.

Johnny squealed happily as he put his hands to his mouth. It had taken Barb a few tries to get him to keep the party hat on his head. Every time he reached for it, she would stop him.

Lana turned her attention from the cake to her son. Watching him enjoy his first birthday was almost bittersweet. She didn't know what she would be doing at that exact moment if she had given him up in the beginning like she had originally planned.

"One year, ey?" Lois came up from behind Lana disrupting her from her thoughts.

"Hm? Oh, yes." Lana said almost startled by Lois's sudden appearance.

Lois crossed her arms and put the glass to her lips. "Crazy how time flies." She then took a drink.

Lana looked back at Johnny who had managed to yank the hat off his head. "Seems like it was just yesterday that he was born…" Lana muttered mostly to herself.

Lois nodded. "Before ya know it he's going to be going to school and everything."

"Oh, Lois, don't depress Lana." Barb cut in.

Lana had barely caught Lois's words but brushed the comment aside. Johnny was indeed growing up fast but he was happy and that's all that mattered to Lana. She wasn't going to lie either, her son looked damn adorable in a party hat. Lana smiled at Johnny. She just couldn't help it.

"Alright, alright." Barb said as she grabbed the cake and handed it to Lana. "Will you do the honors, Lana?"

Lana snapped out of her trance and looked to Barb. "Right. Of course." She took the cake from Barb and lit the one tiny blue candle sitting in the middle of the cake.

"Lois, the lights!" Barb said excitedly and waved Lois off.

Lois rolled her eyes and went off to turn off the kitchen lights. The small candle instantly filled the small area of the kitchen. Johnny's eyes widened at the flame as his mother brought the cake closer. Barb was the first to start singing, followed by Lana and Lois. All three women surrounded Johnny's high chair. The little boy was beyond excited and put his hands to his mouth letting out shrills of giggles.

When they finished singing happy birthday, Lana placed the cake in front of Johnny on his tray.

"Happy Birthday, Johnny boy." She said so only he could hear.

Johnny smiled at his mother and looked to the flame. He watched with wide eyes as she helped him blow out the candle. Lois turned the lights back on and they all clapped.

Johnny mimicked them and clapped too.

"Look how happy he is." Barb said to Lana, "I think he knows it's his day."

Lana smiled at her happy son. He really had turned in to something greater in her life. He wasn't just a cosmic joke; he was a gift from the cosmos, sent just for Lana. She knew that now.

…

Johnny's face was covered in cake and icing. He grabbed little chunks from the slice of cake placed before him and put them to his mouth. Lana had managed to fix the party hat back on his head. Preoccupied with the cake, Johnny forgot all about the hat and left it on.

The three women sat at the table with Johnny and their own slice of cake talking amongst each other and laughing at Johnny's icing covered face. At one point, Barb jumped up to her feet and left the kitchen. She returned after a short moment with a wrapped gift.

"Now," She spoke up cutting off Lana and Lois from their conversation, "I know you said no gifts."

Both Lana and Lois looked up at Barb who walked in with the gift. It was square shaped and awfully thick like a big book.

"But this one is from the both of us." Barb said as she smiled at Lois and handed Lana the wrapped gift, "Its for the both of you." She looked to Johnny who was munching on another chunk of cake.

"Oh, you guys didn't have to." Lana said as she looked from Johnny to her friends.

"No, we had to." Barb smiled, "Trust me. Now open it!"

Lana chuckled lightly. "Okay then."

"Wait, let the kid help." Lois suggested.

"Right!" Barb smiled and plucked Johnny from his high chair, cleaned him up and handed him to Lana. Lana sat him on her lap and showed him the gift.

"Look baby, it's your first gift." She said to him.

Barb and Lois smiled as they watched Lana interact with her son. Lana had really come a long way with her son as a single mother and Lois and Barb could really see that. They remembered when they barely found out that Lana had kept the baby. The first time they ever saw her with him she looked scared and stiff. It was almost as if the baby caused her discomfort and terrible memories. They could see it in her eyes every time Lana looked at Johnny. There was just this sadness there that couldn't be ignored. Of course, whenever Lana used to see her child she was reminded of the cruelty inflicted upon her by Bloody Face. No one could forget something like that.

However, now that Lana looked at her son, they didn't see the sadness that used to stand out so ferociously. They saw happiness.

Lana truly loved her boy. It was obvious.

Johnny brought his little hands upon the gift, slapping it. He jumped up and down on Lana's lap and "Ooh'd" excitedly.

Lana chuckled softly. "Okay, okay." She said and unwrapped the gift revealing a black-leathered photo album.

"What's this?" Lana asked. She balanced Johnny on her lap and continued to unwrap the photo album. She then placed it before her and Johnny and opened it.

Lana gasped and looked to Barb and Lois almost immediately. She then looked back to the album and ran her fingers across the first photograph. It was a picture of Johnny when he was barely weeks old. Lana turned the page to find more photographs of Johnny throughout his first year of life. It turned out that Barb had been taking photographs of Johnny for Lana.

"I noticed you didn't have many photos of him growing up and figured you'd want to one day." Barb said.

Lana looked up a her with teary eyes. "Its perfect." She said looking back down at a photo. It was of her and Johnny at the pumpkin patch. "I love it."

"Look Johnny." She said pointing down at the photo, "That's you."

"Ah!" Johnny said and brought his little hand down upon the photo.

Lois chuckled. "He seems to like it."

"I'm sure he does." Barb agreed. "He looks mighty handsome in all of them."

"I can't say the same for me." Lana said with a light frown as she studied the photos of herself that Barb had taken without her knowledge.

Lois laughed a boomy laugh that instantly caught Johnny's attention and made him jump up and down in Lana's arms. Lana frowned at her.

"Well, I think you look marvelous too." Barb said and cleared the table.

Lana sighed.

"What do you think, Johnny?" Lois asked the baby, "Does Mama look beautiful?"

Johnny looked from Lois and then to Lana and squealed excitedly placing his hands on the album.

"I'll take that as a yes." Lois said.

Lana chuckled, "Smart boy."

…

"Alright, I want to see again." Barb said as they all settled down in the living room. The music continued to play on the record player and Lois made herself another drink.

Lana sat down on the sofa as Barb made her way to the middle of the living room with Johnny in arms. Johnny was all cleaned up from the cake and frosting; he looked around the room until he spotted Lana and reached out for her impatiently.

"Ma ma ma ma." He muttered in between little baby gibberish.

"You ready?" Barb asked as she set him down on his feet.

Johnny giggled when he saw Lana. Once Barb steadied him on his own two feet and let go of him, Johnny instantly stepped forward and took a few wobbly steps in Lana's direction. He stopped before he lost his balance and toppled over.

"Come on, Johnny." Lana opened her palms up for him.

Thrilled, Johnny giggled and continued to make his way to her until he was safely in her arms.

"Hurray!" Barb smiled, clapping. "Good job."

"That's amazing." Lois said, "He's starting to want to run now."

"Yes." Lana said looking at her little boy, "It makes me nervous every time."

…

Lana arrived home later in the evening with Johnny, just before sun set. She stepped up the porch with Johnny in arms. He wore his brand new little sweater with little bear ears on his hoodie. Lana stood on top of the porch and over looked their neighborhood. It wasn't the neighborhood Lana lived in with Wendy but it was home, for now.

She looked to the door and turned her back away from it. Lana sat down on the porch with Johnny on her lap. She watched the sun until it set behind the houses and the sky turned a darker blue until the night settled in and the streetlights came on.

Johnny baby babbled and Lana looked to him. "Did you have fun today?" She asked him.

Johnny continued to babble. Lana smiled. "Thought so."

She sighed softly and reached in to her purse pulling out the album Barb had given them. Lana smiled sadly. She had never realized the importance of the photo album until she held it in her hands. Lana had never thought of taking photos of Johnny as a newborn or as he grew up. At first, the postpartum depression blinded her and then she was too focused on moving their lives forward to even think about it. Nevertheless, she was glad Barb had done so. Lana knew she'd live to regret not having photos of Johnny as a baby.

"This was a lovely gift, wasn't it?" Lana asked him.

Johnny cooed in response. Lana then stood up. "Come on now, its getting cold out here."

…

Johnny sat in the middle of Lana's bed in his pajamas. He had the photo album in front of him. He babbled as he looked through the pages and played with it.

Lana walked in to the room from the bathroom. She smiled softly as she looked at her son playing with his gift. Lana then walked over and plucked Johnny from the bed. She sat down and settled him on her lap.

"You probably think I forgot." She said as she reached in to the nightstand and pulled out a newspaper bringing it in front of her and Johnny, "This is a gift from me."

"Ohh." Johnny said brushing his fingers against the paper.

Lana opened it to the desired page and scanned her eyes to the small article in the corner. "This is from me, little boy." She said and continued to read the article out loud.

"_Motherhood_

_Dear Johnny, _

_It took me months to come up with the right words to write this, but even now, all these words fall short. And I'm not going to sit here and write an article about motherhood and what to do because in all honesty, it is something that can't really be explained, only experienced. _

_Motherhood was something I didn't plan; something I didn't think about and it wasn't something that came natural to me. I was a different person before you came along. I was selfish and bound to my own ways. When you were born, I was angry for what the world had taken from me that I didn't see what it had given me in its place. For this new gift from the cosmos was far greater than anything I could have accomplished on my own. _

_You're too young to understand these words now, too innocent and too little to care but you'll have your time to change and to grow. But for now, Johnny boy, I just wanted you to know that I love you and I always will. No matter how much you grow, how much you change, no matter who you grow up to be, I will love you no matter what because it was you who taught me how to be a mother. I may not be the best mother and I may not always know what to do but its what the world has planned for me._

_I was meant to be your mother. No one else. Just me. _

_Always remember that, my Johnny boy. _

_Love, your mother,_

_Lana Winters."_

Lana finished reading and set the newspaper down. She quickly wiped away a falling tear and sniffled. Johnny leaned over and reached for the newspaper. He grabbed it with chubby, dimpled hands and brought it to his chest. He put the edges in his mouth.

Lana couldn't help to chuckle. "You liked it that much, huh?"

She took the article out of his mouth and folded it back up. "Like I said, you're too little to understand this now, but one day you'll be old enough to understand every single word. And on that day you'll know just how much you mean to me."

She lifted him slightly and kissed his chubby cheek. "Happy birthday, my precious boy."


End file.
